Passiveness.

I came to a rather fitting analysis last night when I was out with my friend, Stephanie. The distinction between people who handle dillemas with passiveness compared to those who show emotion and empathy.

For weeks now, I have felt weak because I showed emotion to how I felt hurt by certain people. Wheras, for others I've known, they were completely complacent with paying no mind to it, as if it never existed. I felt as if I inferior to them, and something was in fact wrong with me. Loss than became more prevelant for me after a friends suicide. And I only showed more emotion. It took me to be able to ventilate all this to a friend last night to understand for myself that I am not abnormal at all because I grieve. I am human.. And through steps of allowing myself to grieve, I allow myself to grow by paying attention to what just happened. With excessive passiveness, people will ignore and bystand any of their feelings and use other means of distractions or replacements to fixate any type of healing. We must learn from our situations in order to better ourselves as individuals. Or else, we will likely repeat the same mistakes. Also with passiveness, people who tend to isolate themselves within their own comfort zones with dealings of methods and people, making it all the more impossible to help themselves in any way through personal growth. With not having a passive personality, it does make me more prone to be affected by others words and actions. However, the idea of carrying a unfeelingness monotone outlook personally makes me cringe. I tried subjecting myself to the kind of demeanor recently with an ex in order to think I could make myself stronger willed, and it failed miserably. I do not have it within me to be a cold purposely to other people to elevate myself. ...and that is fine by me.... It does not make me any less of a person. I have always been a very direct thinker and approacher. I like to evaluate and discuss a problem openly, honestly, and respectfully.

It really helps to see all this... and it definetly helps magnify my self esteem on some levels.

I suppose these are all good findings? :)

ghost world.

I bought a new book on Wednesday night in Royal Oak which I am very excited to read. It is a case study on the infamous death camp that includes more than a 100 interviews with survivors and Nazi Perpetrators that speak on record for the first time. I bought it just because I intend to take a weekend trip to Krakow this summer and take a bus guided tour of the grounds of Auschwitz. I have been wanting to do this since I was a kid..... I guess not many kids dream of wanting to go to seeing extermination camps and Titanic memorials and graveyards. (which I will also be seeing in 3 weeks.) I have always held an interest in tragedies, and I hold great empathy towards them. As in what we as humans can learn from some of the greatest attrocities that have occured through human acts of ignorance or carelessness. On Wednesday I was also tempted to buy Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler. Now when people just hear the name Hitler, it is an immediate taboo. But what people don't take into account is that was a man who single handidly started the political ideaolgy of Nazism and movement that fronteired it all the way to genocide of 11 million people. He had an amazing gift of speech and he brainwashed an entire country with the power of his words. Much of it is illustrated in Mein Kampf. I think it serves as an important document and a reminder to make sure such heinousness never happens again to such an extent.

More enlightening news, I went to Greenfield Villiage yesterday with some grade school friends. I appreciated it much more now not being dragged by schoolbus. However, there were a couple hundred kids there scrambling and dodging around us in different directions. But it still proved to be an alright time. I still get a kick out of seeing Thomas Edison's old labarotorys.

I have alot of packing and organzing to do in the 20 days I still have left here. I haven't been able to push myself very much to do it, as I haven't with much of anything lately. I feel cut off from people. Almost in the regards that I don't wnt to try with people much here anymore. Which is sad for me to admit... I have been trying to ignore this and putting on a smile and trying for the sake of those who I know care. I know it is the right thing to do. Just so difficult after these last 10 weeks or so. I do know, just around the corner in 3 weeks, is all the possibility and chance in the world for me. It is just so hard to notice being that I have never been there before. But it is there. At least one can hope.

Empathy though. It is a powerful emotion, and it has been the strongest suit of my life. I will discuss that in length relatively soon.

Refreshing news for a change.

I made some slight change of plans of where I will be living in Prague. I will be living in a nicer and more centralized area of the city now instead of staying at the accomodations my school provided for me. I will be living in district 7 in a flat that houses an entire floor with six or seven roommates. The building was constructed in 1920, and I really love the architecture of it. Here are a few pictures of the building, room, and neighborhood.

Bedroom

Closer inspection of the ceiling.

Building.

street.

Balcony with one of my roommates, Martin.

(The best part. I will be paying $250 in US currency to live there per month. )


!!!!!!!

How To Say Goodbye.

Today was my friend Gregory Johnston's funeral. I really didn't know what to expect it to be like. it very surreal and unreal, if that makes sense. I arrived by myself this rainy morning. I was kind of walking around timidly, looking at pictures of a young Gregory Johnston. A hand caught my shoulder from behind, and I turned around and it was Mike Lupo, whom I have known since I was 17 (my first gay friend). It made me very happy inside to see him. Mike had been there for me before in rough patches, so it was very nice indeed to be able to get and give emotional support on such a dreadful occasion.

I spent much of the time during the service staring at the floor pensively while holding Mike's hand. I looked around a couple times, and people were sobbing, and showing such displays of emotion within them. I didn't know why I was reacting the same way at the time. When the service ended, I passed by and took one last look at Greg. He had a gray sweater on, which seemed fitting for him. He looked at peace. We continued to the cemetary, where a few words were said, and that was it. It was done. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a bastard or disrespectful, but it just seemed rushed. I suppose maybe I am not used to the fundamental objective of what a funeral accomplishes, but the beggining of the service it was reminded that this was supposed to be a celebration of Gregory's life. There was alot of joined prayers and hymns but only one or two personal stories of rememberence. I missed the luncheon afterwards because I had preaaranged plans to meet my dad for lunch today, but maybe those kinds of things were shared their amongst friends, and family. I may of just missed it...

As I indicated, I didn't know at the time why I wasn't in fact grieving in the same manners as everyone else was. It was not that I didn't feel any less grief. I am used t
o dealing with any upsetting experiences quietly and privately. As I said, when all the services ended today, I wasn't just up and ready to go on and start a new task that day. Like I had already moved on. It made me naucious to think thats how it was supposed to be. This evening I did something I thought would help me grieve. It may sound silly and odd to some. Greg was a huge fan of pizza, as most know. I decided to order pizza tonight and spend the evening on my laptop. Propped on the keyboard against the screen is a in loving memory, rememberance card given today at the service.

The card looks and reads exactly as followed...

In Loving Memory of

Gregory James Johnston

February 19, 1984 - May 22, 2007

Do not think of me and weap.

I am free. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints of snow.

I am the sunlight on your window pane.

I am the gentle spring rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in soaring flight.

I am the twinkle in the stars at night.

I'll be the music that fills your ears.

I'll send you laughter to dry your tears.

Oh no, no, do not cry for me.

I am happy. I feel no pain. I am Free.

I am filled with such saddness, but it brings comfort in my heart to sit here and eat and look at that card with some soft Muse songs (whom we were both fond of musically) playing in the background and seeing that beaming smile of his, it is as if he is looking right back at me. I know that he is in a loving place now. As I am crying as I write this, I know I am getting these feelings out that I couldn't get released at the service today.I miss him and I loved him very much.

friends.

Greg

Martin

I have been going through bouts of temperamental moods these last couple of days, which is why I haven’t updated. My friend of two years, Gregory Johnston , took his own life Monday night. Life doesn't prepare you for challenges like this. I have never had a friend die before, especially from suicide. It is such a deplorable waste. I found the general feeling of my mood to be that of anger. I have now tried to subdue that to the best of my ability because getting angry will take nothing back, and of course will not bring him back. I suppose the best step to take is to enduringly treasure his memory, and the happiness he did bring to those who knew best. Gregory was an intricate soul. Our friendship evolved because we had very similar understandings on life, and hangups.We enjoyed some of the same obscure tastes in music.He used sarcasm in a whimsical fasion that never failed to make me smile. He loved his cat more than he did with many people. Greg loved pop culture. He hated kimberly stewart in the funniest way possible. Greg could sing. Singing I think is what made him most happy. He had talent too. A yr ago he was kind enough to let me listen to a couple of demos he recorded. It makes me sad to know he did not pursue that more. I really believe he had potential with that, and so much more. His funeral is this Saturday morning, and I will be attending. From this tragedy, many people have come together as a whole from what I have seen thus far and I should be seeing many people whom I haven't seen or spent time with in over a year. I kind of took a step out from the gay scene for awhile. I was contemplating on going to the viewing today or tommorow to be able to say goodbye to him in a more personable sense, but I can't. Call it cowardly on my part, but I can't bring myself to see him in that light. I guess I shall see how Saturday goes.

In other news, I think I have found a permanent roommate in Prague in a flat in a nice district of the city after my orientation is over at the end of June. His name is Martin, and he has proven already be a considerate and caring friend.

These next few weeks for me will be going by quicker than I had ever anticipated. As of tommorow, It will be 4 weeks until my departure. I will try and have my goodbye dinner/hotel party all reserved with invites ready to go by the end of this weekend. That will be on June 16th.

With this news about Gregory, it puts much into perspective. Life seems too short to care right now about stupid trivialities that concern ex boyfriends. I am over it. And I am thankful to all those I am fortunate enough to care for and be cared for in return. Genuinity is not easy to come by. And I have seen it more within the last 2 weeks, than I can say I have seen in years... Through best friends, through old friends, and even through a boy whom I just met. It all has been quite nice.

thank you, chicago.

I had an immediate thought after I got off the train last night in downtown Royal Oak, and as I was headed back on 75 north. It was the scenery...

I found myself disgruntled with just looking at all these familairities.

and to think, I found myself in a state of sorrow a couple weeks ago at the thought of all this being gone. When I was in Chicago this past weekend. I had absolutely no idea where I was much of the time. Adam led the way, and made the decsions on what route to take, and I followed along quietly, yet attentively.

There were times though this past weekend I felt out out of my comfort zone, and it left me with a unusual feeling. but it soon became apparent to me, it wasn't that it was unsettling to me...

It actuality, I was reveling in it.

It was something about not knowing at all where I in fact was, and what I was about to see next, and also the fact of being in the company with someone completely new.

I loved the feeling that anything was possible.

It made me infactually know that moving to Europe is my destiny.

no censoring myself here.

I am sitting here next to Adam upon the completion of our adventure to Chicago. The train has started moving along slowly, and he is contently monitoring the dark passageways of the exit of the train station. This weekend was an escape of sorts. An escape from my worries, an escape of a former life. And in a sense an introduction of new beginnings of what is soon to come for me. I wanted to be able to purge myself in another human body and experience everything that I could. So an attractive, alluring young gay male named Adam, proved for me to be the perfect candidate for such on occasion. And he was. I think I learned more about him than I had expected. My first impression of Adam: A very intuitive and a well balanced young guy. He is extremely self aware of himself, and seems to know exactly how to conduct himself when thrown into a situation that is unfamiliar. And he doesn’t bother himself with worrying. He takes a situation for what it is. Divulges himself in it, takes away his gain, and seems to be fine with whatever the end result is. He has an acute sense of perception, and enjoys taking charge in a situation. Whether he does it for personal empowerment or out of pride, that is something I have not quite determined. However, he is quite considerate to making those he feels comfortable. He is affectionate for the most part. He has spurts here and there when he smiles, and cracks a joke. Much of the time though, I find him looking at me with a very intent looking gleam in his eyes. An unknown stare, which I still don’t know completely how to read, but that’s ok. He leaves room and interpretation open for mystery, and I find that sexy and intriguing. Adam has a brash side of him. A side of him that is very fitting for most people with very independent personalities. They like their comfort zones. They are perfectly fine with detaching themselves in situations, and finding fulfillment for themselves. I find myself to be independent thinker, but that is not something I have always found myself able to do. Which, coincidently, I envy him in that respect. To be able to be so self assure with himself, he doesn’t need to give much of a second thought to wondering if he made the right decision or not. As I write this part right here, I am left with a sense of uneasiness. And it is difficult for me to find words to put why it is. So I suppose what it is when one goes and ahead and purges himself into someone for self exploration, physical pleasure, and much more. There is still such a sense of the unknown, but I guess it is best to leave it with that. This was a weekend trip into the unknown and that’s what it was supposed to be. I will likely encounter many similar experiences while in Europe of similar circumstances and happenings. I am not going to waste my time and be trivial over it. It was an experience. As what life is, experiences we learn from by giving ourselves without any expectations. The strongest people alive are the ones who know how to do that confidently. Wasting time in regret and stopping and putting it in analysis and regret makes it all the more complicated. What I can say is that I feel fortunate that I have made a new friend, a friend of exceptional benefits. I am not accustomed to doing that, and I have to admit, it does feel nice. And I do hope I made much of a better time possible with Adam than that “the unmentionable” could do. He is a taboo to us, and that is how I would like to leave it. One we can roll our eyes and banter at. I find flattery in calling Adam my travel sized gay companion. It just creates in my mind a tighter bond. And Adam, he is a smart non conformist cookie. He is sitting next to me reading about the metaphysical claims of religion. Personally, I find atheism attractive. At least in the sense Adam puts it. I like when people are able to back up their convictions with substantial examples of why they believe in something or why they are against something. I have met enough animal rights floozy scene kids in the past 8 months to know the real difference between someone who is doing something to make a statement of their own personal convictions against someone is simply doing it for a cry out for attention and to just be annoyingly different. Your not any cooler of a person because you don't eat dairy. People who can’t think for themselves, I want to kick them.
I am tired of typing now. So I think I will stop. But now I look at Adam as I often do, and a the same question is raised.
“What is Adam thinking now?”

this and that.

If my memory serves me right, I made one of these a couple years ago, but didn't get past a introduction. I think I was just trying to have an online account of every site that was out there. Well, I am now more coming of age and think that writing out my thoughts would be excellent therapy for my psyche now. When I don't have the money nor the time now to commit to an actual therapist, I find I can always be my own.

I will begin with something I find exciting, because exciting news is the best kind. I am going to Chicago this weekend with a boy named Adam whom I have just been aquainted with this past week. He is my height, he is genuine, he is attractive, and he is awkward. My fav attribute by far. We had a lovely evening for the most part last night in Ann Arbor. There was one taboo in the way that was brought up on a few brief occasions, but it got drowned out quickly enough. Last night I also had a unique first experience. I have never in my longevity of being openly gay since I was 18, never have been able to hold another males hand in public without having the slightest inclination on losing my grip over a passer bys perspective. It felt invigorating. Truely, what I feel like I have been needing these past few weeks. An escape or fallout from my former troubles. Consequently, this romance will not last forever. My weeks left in the United States are numbered. Which is why this situation makes it all the more easier for me. I have nothing to lose, except my insecurities with my move and my ex. Which have taken a back seat since meeting Adam. It feels especially freeing to be very candid, with displays of affection and conversation without having to hold back on the initial, is this date appropriate for this behavior just yet?

Perhaps I am following a different example of a romance just this once because the way I have handled them before with both of my previous ex boyfriends.
It has been proven that guys fall for me because they are missing somethign within themselves. So what do they do. Go out and seek a resource to accomodate what it is their needing, and it has been about in both of my relationships of what the other person has already make up in their mind what they need me for. They need to be understood, or they need to come to a more clarified understanding of themselves, and I am nothing more than their desired instrument. Perhaps I am a good listener, and I am the type of person who has no problem to express that they care for someone when their hand is reaching out to me.
And I accept it, and I let them take advantage of me.
and I am also not about to swear off dating for three years as I did last time to avoid something like this from happening again. because well it just did.
i feel the best way to learn from experiences is taking chances on the unknown.

Hell, I am moving to Europe by myself and I have never even been there.
How much more unascertained can I be?