Wouldn't it be nice...

I despise writing oh poor me blogs, but after the day I have had it seems to be the direction it's going to go in. Throughout much of my life, I have been dependent upon people in upsetting ways.

The perspective of a 13 year old onlooker: watching his mothers numerous sobbing and pleading demonstrations to her invective boyfriend to not leave her (even after he beat her own son). I eventually began to mimic those ideas in desperate situations with my ex boyfriends. When both of my relationships ended - I demanded of both of my boyfriends to be there for me at my time of bereavement. I usually don't like to ruminate on those memories on the kind of person I once was, or what I had seen as a boy to cause that development of mind.

I eventually decided to disassociate myself completely of all depend-abilities concerning people. I made a solemn vow to myself that when I left for Europe that I wasn't going to desire emotional needing. I was moving to a country I had never seen beyond pages of books, a place where I didn't speak the language - but none of that mattered, I was going to endure. I swore that I was going to be a self sufficient force of dynamical proportions that was going to be eternally changed for the better. That of course in hindsight was absolutely ludicrous of me to configure up. It was the state of mind I was in though (just skim the blogs I made before the last three). I had just undergone quite a distressing amount of loss and I felt it was the necessary way to be.

But on the contrary, it also worked in more ways than I bargained for. It had such a powerful effect actually that I now find that demanding to need people out of times of vulnerability is to be a complete defect of character by my understanding. As a result, I am having difficulty sympathising with such humanistic point of views with others along with considering the concept of asking that of someone else to do such for me... I absolutely have no problems with people coming to me in a time of need because I empathise so greatly for others. However when it comes to asking emotional strength from people I care about - I perceive it as if it's some carnal sin. I know I need to remind myself I am not in Prague anymore and that I actually have people here with whom I can trust my feelings to. My female friends that is no trouble, but with men it is especially dissimilar. All thanks to former relationships and my evasive father.

For no particular reason today, I wanted to let my dad know I loved him. Something interfered with that though (as it has been for the last 11 years). Basically I am what my father exudes in certain ways; he is divorced and he is a hard pressed for his feelings from it. By this, he lives in seclusion and in his own little figments of boyhood. He will be this way until he dies. I resent him for staying that way for the last decade as well as the obviously indifferent attitude he has maintained towards me.

Truthfully, if I didn't have friends like Stephanie to whom I can rationally explain such problems to I feel I would be quite the hopeless case right now. She reiterated to me she noticed a major change in my demeanor, that I have been blossoming in the ability to be more outward with myself in the past few weeks. She assures me of the credit that I can never give myself. She has more vision, defiance, and good will in her that I can only hope to exhibit. I don't ever boast about people like that, but if I didn't I feel as if I would be doing a great unjust to her. She is someone I do need in my life and is family to me.

I am trying to believe that doesn't make me an inadequate person - to need people in moderation (something I never of which had appropriately modeled for me). I still have quite a long way to go on many issues. I need to get over the anxiety I feel every time I see a beat up grey car out of the corner of my eye, and not allow myself to be overwhelmed with tension and fear that it's my ex. I need to build a system of trust. I need to learn that I needn't have to run far away because there are people already here that see merit and an eloquence within me.

On a unrelated note, I do feel the need to run away from here. Here, as in Oakland County. It was a beautiful blue skied day today, and my mood was heavily fazed. I walked alone through downtown Hazel Park and I took a rather concentrated notice to what an absently dispiriting place it is. Hazel Park is a dried up ghost town of what was once the model of a picturesque 1950's Leave it to Beaver suburbia. There are still standing appliance stores and bicycle shops, which seems to mirror reality as we know it like outdated dreams. As an observer, I felt like Enid from the graphic novel Ghost World.

As if upon my promenade I should find the blear old man on the bench that has been patiently waiting for the bus out of town; the one that stopped coming years ago.