I thought I was in love twice.

For the first time in months since I have moved back from Europe, I have been feeling as if my life is starting to regain direction and become sensible again. I do not have all the necessities I wish I had right now, but I'm enroute to getting them through steps. I now understand that I have to allow gradual progressions into my life if I am ever going to feel in control and at ease. Erstwhile, this was never an easy thing for me to comprehend. For years I tried to dictate a control over the direction in which my life was going to go, and whom I thought was going to stay in it. Consequently, I underwent some rude awakenings and I fell to some harsh disappointments. I now understand the reasoning for that was an ignorance on my part in allowing life to happen in a unadulterated fashion.

As of lately, I have been trying vehemently to understand relationships and distinguish them from the flawed interpretations I had of them before. I went for a long time believing I would be more settled if I knew the qualifications of what would make a befitting life partner, and when I actually dated someone I would strongly analyse if I knew they were going to be someone I could see myself with in a long term committed sense. I suppose many people do that, but I wouldn't even enter in a dating situation if I wasn't sure that they met the criteria I was looking for. Now, not so much. I am still very selective with the people I find attractive; style and personality attributes are essential in formulating an initial attraction. There must be something instantaneous from the get go. I have made mistakes in the past when meeting new people and mistaking platonic friendships in a contrived dating concept.

Now dating for me has taken on a whole new clarity. I don't want a life partner, but rather progressive interactions with someone I find cute and stimulating. Right now there is only one concentrated pursuit I will have in my life and that will be furthering my education and career goals. I surely don't want to be intrusive on someone else's priorities, just as I don't wish them to be in respect to mine. I am quite comfortable with spending time independently (I had no option to when living abroad). With all things considered though, I am a living being and it's within my natural genetic disposition to desire companionship and affection. I contemplate what it would be like to just kiss someone without having to worry about what is all at stake with doing it. It would be gratifying to find a medium between professionalism and inclination.

Sensitivities will always be apparent in such matters and I believe the line gets blurred when the heaviness of feelings becomes precedent over ones priorities. It seems imparitive to always be aware of that so one can avoid such an entanglement. However, if the feelings are genuine and worthy enough then maybe there can be room for concession, but the passing of time is only what can validate legitimate feelings from convenient ones.