Upon moving back from Europe in the Spring of 2008, I was not in the most becoming state of mind. I had quit my teaching job abruptly due to the amounting pressures that I thought would of diminished after I left the country. Jobless, I returned home to the few faithful friends that I still had. There, I fell into an apathetic state of clarity.

After the disintegration of another meant to be relationship I am most compelled to write again, and speak my thoughts without restraint. My entire well-being is turned inside out. My appetite is not apparent to me, nor is any real ground of daily emotional stability. Embarrassed, I am, quite. I fled to my Mom's for the evening to find some sanctuary from the disappointment of people, and from the crying.

I wish I understood my issues with abandonment better. When I was younger I would subject myself to drowning my sorrows in alcohol or the standard rebound boy. Now I find it all too tiring to even bother involving myself in anymore.

I feel like after people date me, they ultimately pity me. Now that another relationship is over I don't want to fill the void with something ineffective again. The longing that I feel right now needs to be transitioned into a impressionable step forward. I am thinking of going back to school to be a paralegal. I do not want to spend my entire time ruminating on what I could of done differently. I miss him so much and that won't change, but longing for him incessantly won't return him. Everything right now is still all very unclear to me; I feel as if if I know what I should do, but I just haven't yet found the appropriate incentive yet. Suffice it to say though, this time I am really looking for it. I can't waste anymore time.