Upon moving back from Europe in the Spring of 2008, I was not in the most becoming state of mind. I had quit my teaching job abruptly due to the amounting pressures that I thought would of diminished after I left the country. Jobless, I returned home to the few faithful friends that I still had. There, I fell into an apathetic state of clarity.
After the disintegration of another meant to be relationship I am most compelled to write again, and speak my thoughts without restraint. My entire well-being is turned inside out. My appetite is not apparent to me, nor is any real ground of daily emotional stability. Embarrassed, I am, quite. I fled to my Mom's for the evening to find some sanctuary from the disappointment of people, and from the crying.
I wish I understood my issues with abandonment better. When I was younger I would subject myself to drowning my sorrows in alcohol or the standard rebound boy. Now I find it all too tiring to even bother involving myself in anymore.
I feel like after people date me, they ultimately pity me. Now that another relationship is over I don't want to fill the void with something ineffective again. The longing that I feel right now needs to be transitioned into a impressionable step forward. I am thinking of going back to school to be a paralegal. I do not want to spend my entire time ruminating on what I could of done differently. I miss him so much and that won't change, but longing for him incessantly won't return him. Everything right now is still all very unclear to me; I feel as if if I know what I should do, but I just haven't yet found the appropriate incentive yet. Suffice it to say though, this time I am really looking for it. I can't waste anymore time.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Posted by Nick at 7:02 PM
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2 comments:
this is a nice post. and I can share your sentiments. I feel in the exact same place to be honest. and step #1 is figuring out what psychological root is so inside me that I keep leading back to abandonment issues as well. Just to fill in, I to just ended a long love affair. 6 months. and now I feel so shocked by it. for once she was as passionate and jealous as me, wanting time, texts, and even at the end marriage, then one week later after we verbally agreed to get engaged, she just flipped out. she still texts me once every 6 days, she says she misses and still cares for me, but won't be mature or open about what her real problems are.
but I digress. I think what i find hardest about this, and it seems similar to yours is these were not short term affairs. People that are obsessive and heartbroken over a 2 month relationship are stupid, but once you get over that period, it is substantial, and i know you are alot like me in love, needy, honest, caring, understanding, and expect alot from the other, thus i'm sure it was a serious thing. But then at least for me, my last 3 serious relationships over the past 6 years now, have all left me. and whats more confusing is I am better and better, I respect myself more, am more mature, but things still seem to have this chaotic result. maybe that is just life, chaotic and random, thus i should accept the change, but the logical part of my mind can never understand things like this when I so clearly communicated in love as well.
anyways, hope you feel better. i have learned time can be great though. Like you said, into the future, most of the best things i've ever done are because of tragic first steps. You were there when I lost amanda, I was pretty hopeless. 6/7 months later you know she came back to Michigan for xmas, and saw all her friends, but never called me once. it was hard months later even, and was a huge factor in having me move, I had lost faith in michigan and then boom this perfect girl comes, then I was still there and she was gone, but then I moved and things became great, i have the best job ever, and i met this new girl.
the hard part though is the mystery. where will this tragedy lead you. just remember it'll probably lead somewhere both sad and happy, but that happiness will exponentially grow in appreciation as happiness in life always is more special with the more pain you deal with. but like i said, dont' give up either. in the past i used to fuck up all my relationships, i'd go to the, oh I love you i love you i love you, i'd give all of myself to them even in a breakup and then i'd want ot know why, i'd put all this logic on it, like logic has anything to do with the heart, and why why why, and i'd learn they cheated on me, or became bored with me, and all this post dicussion about things just made things weird and thus ruined. at least for a while, but then 100% of every relationship i've had have come back to me, as friends or lovers, so i think its good to get time to change. My therapist is very well respected and experienced, and she'd always say she has seen relationship issues a million times and in the end, people change and change, but if its a really good love, that never changes and they find a way back to each other, sometimes over a long time. but it sounds like you are doing what is best, I think just focus on yourself. that is the hardest after a breakup, to face insecurities and rejection, but i mean, there you find the best strength. Its' only after getting beat up so much by life that you can find what is indestructible in yourself. and second, and its very true, if a person was in your life at all, in any meaningful way for more than 3 months or so, they remember you and love you. they may move on, and may find better love even, but if you had anything significant at all, they still think about you. I too often imbed some idea that since they can go so easily and not contact or need to see me, it's so easy for them, that i'm so useless and easily disregarded, but i've talked to enough ex's and people to know that is the farthest from the truth.
just remember, you are like me, masochistic, emotional, but with a very big heart. just keep it that big, your pain comes in your need to have love given back to you, to feel companionship and mutual love, and that is such a great feeling, but its when we can learn to just love without needing anything back that I think we can find the respect and confidence in ourself that will make someone truly love you forever.
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