This past evening.

I had dinner and then tea with a guy I dated as well as with his boyfriend of a couple years.
We sat comfortably and talked about religion and politics. I left feeling happy for him.

Of course, there is no vendetta as a result of broken promises/lies said between us - so it's unlike other previous relationships, but still, that's rather unprecedented of me I must say.

I like when I surprise myself.

This woman is too smug for her intelligence.

The Lord will take care of us.

My, what a jaunty way to resolve all of life's oppressing complications; to prefer a candidate who puts reliance on a imaginary figure to resolve life's hard-hitting affairs, and worse, put credence in a world leader who advocates illogical interpreting in a time of a crisis. Hey, whatever makes one dumb and happy, but let the rest of us progress, and catch up to every other civilized democracy. People like this particular woman would benefit more in a tribal society on a deserted island, with a fire and brimstone constitution of all their own, inscribed on walls of a cave.

Barack Obama's late mother has been noted as an Atheist. Obama wrote in one of his book that she advised him to study the works of many religions, as her being an anthropologist, she felt it helped him understand in greater detail people in general. Obama has had to defend himself on numerous occasions that he is in fact a Christian, and he decidedly chose a Christian faith despite an upbringing from a woman of science, as well as a father that Obama claimed had no religious interests whatsoever. I am skeptic to the legitimacy of Obama's claimed religious preference, and in a good respect. I earnestly believe he is an intellectual, not a blind sighted religious fanatic. He of course has to contort this in order to get elected to public office

Do you ever wonder what story you're going to be in someone else's life?

Seriously, I only feel like associating with people who have known me 2+ years anymore. Then I could risk the chance of people writing me off as pompous or highbrow. I'm neither of those, and I don't exude any such related characteristics if one really gets to know me. Meeting new people altogether now dismays me.

There is a risk though just being candid and who I am. Fear of being subjected to scrutinising without accuracy. Never before in my life have I been self conscious about it. I have always deflected myself away from the mainstream with my overall appearance, the music I listen to, etc. Perhaps I should demote my individuality as I know it and start wear studded belts, throw away my science DVD's, and watch Project Runway like everyone else. Well, no, I am not going to do that, but I feel as if I have to start becoming intuitively aware of the infrastructure of the types of people I can correspond to with more agreeably and eloquently than others. Labelling who they are in simple words might be construed as bias, but in my own awareness, I have a rough idea of the qualities and peculiarities they exhibit.

I just feel a little hurt now, so hence the dramatic intonation in my words..

..moving on.

I wrote my cousin Crystal about my interest of moving to Chicago, and she replied favourably to my e-mail. I liked that.

Little known fact, I watch this show obsessively on my computer everyday. I love it.

Elisabeth wore a 'Ameri-Cain' shirt today to elevate her exhausting Republican rhetoric.

Geez..

Apparently I have a profound effect on people with my viewpoints. Often whenever I stress another way of looking at a situation in casual discourse, merely another angle, people can get in such cahoots over it because I am casting doubts to an issue they thought their mind is clearly made up on. It's not my intention to cause mischief or take advantage of others, but if I enable people to think outside their normal realm of thinking, you would think that is a good thing? Something that might have some merit? If what I was saying had no exemplary base in argument, of course, my opinions should be easily omitted without regard to consideration; but if it does give them a reaction, then that's a clue. However, it's almost never the retort I was hoping for. Instead I have to be seen as some sort of threat for suggesting something opposite to their understanding. I then become perceived in such a negative sense. I hate that! I wish I could have a constructive conversation with someone that doesn't take offence to a point I raise. It's often people who are insecure on such issues that do this. I am one to criticise issues like this because I have been there numerous times myself on several affairs. I am insecure on many things, therefore I offer my perspective in regards to my experience on particular matters that have made a thorough difference in my life.
I just wish people could take my feedback respectively as something to consider, not something I am picking on them about.

I never really talk about my sister but my sister is the person who is probably most like me. We like some of the same authors, dress like we're from different decades, have similar views on culture and beliefs; only real solid difference between us is she is more lighthearted than myself. My decipherment to why that is that she's a Buddhist and I have more years on her, indicating more life experiences and then ensuing cynicism on my point of views. She got a new haircut in which I kidded with her as a "Scientology haircut", because I saw Katie Holmes with the same one. But it's cute though. :) I caught her this morning in the bathroom and snapped a picture of her, visibly bemused to what I was doing.

I ran into Chris today at Bean & Leaf out of chance. Chris was the chap I eluded to in ambiguously edited entries some time back. I found someone I thought could finally put my insecurities to rest with, and date them willingly without restraint. Well, conflicting circumstances didn't make that possible for us. It was difficult to get through without taking it personal, but it could of been much worse. We have been keeping in touch considerately via Internet since that happened. Today felt awkward though, and I so wish it didn't. It felt like one of those encounters you have with people that are no longer in your life and you feel obligated to catch up with one an others lives in 2 min duration where the entire context of the conversation is on a surfaced level. It's rushed, trite, and seemingly fake to put it blatantly. Perhaps I am to blame as well. I know I contributed to making things somewhat wavering between us due to the nature of my emotions at the given time. I just wish it didn't have to carry over to the present. I felt inclined as he was packing up his stuff to ask him if he wated to get coffee somewhere and talk in a more carefree/unadulterated fashion, but I hesitated yet again.. :/

Nowadays I'm not as daring or as adventurous with dating as I was when I was 20. So I guess out of respect of that fact that I shared a brief past or an experience with a person I just hope that there would be of a more of an interactive dialogue if and when I see them again by chance. Maybe that's false expectations. I know why I make such a valiant effort though and why these issues are so dear to me. It's always been easier for me to resent my (real) ex's and write them off as thoughtless and inhumane due to their choices and indecisions in putting my sensitivities at jeopardy. I don't want to do that anymore to people to whom did not do anything to go out of their way to disdainfully hurt me for far less vindications. Realistically, it doesn't work to my advantage and compensate for anything. For instance, last weekend I expected to have had a more elated reunion with Adam, but at the club we were both in, it went nothing further than him asking how my ex was and patting my behind whenever he felt inclined to do so.

I'm thinking more about Chicago. I'm aware that there are more slim findings as far as prospects of dating goes, but that's not what is on my mind. In cities, people are just looking for thrills. Suffice it to say though, that may just be what I need now. Not in the sexual sense, but I am obviously bored here and I keep finding ways in talking myself into getting settled here without making any ill or hasty decisions by "running away". But there are conclusive and explanatory reasoning's to why I still haven't committed with going through with getting a new apt, or a new car. I'm not ready to that here perhaps. Honestly I don't now what else I need to accomplish here anymore. I might need to redefine running away simply as moving on. I might be making some abrupt decisions in the succeeding months ahead.

Chicago served as a rejuvenating breathe of fresh air. I stayed with older cousin Crystal. I got the chance to see my best friend from high school to catch up and be silly all over again like when we were loud theatre kids.
Seeing my cousins and my favourite aunt are always a treat. On Saturday I went out to do cute vegetarian/vegan diner in Boystown. My cousin Josh is a intellectually junior version of me and we see eye to eye well on debatable topics.

Saturday afternoon I ran into an ex fling from my past by sheer coincidence. He was sitting on some church steps talking on his mobile as I was passing by. He informed he would be at Berlin later that night which I planned on attending with my cousin that night. Long story short, that evening was nothing short of a disconcerting/awkward experience with Adam. I held a lot of esteem for him in hindsight.I don't often have experiences in the same respect that I did with him. Now I realise I was just a pawn, for lack of a more sympathetic word. I suppose I'm glad I've finally seen clarity on this.

Religion came into conversation the past few days. Once on the train ride to Chicago with a student from MSU who sat next to me. We talked two hrs casually on topics of traveling and food before we even delved into god. It was obvious she had never questioned any viewpoint outside her Judeo-Christain faith because one dense question she raised was,

"The tomb in which Jesus was buried in. His bones are not there, so don't you think he had to of risen from the dead?"

I must admit, I could have laughed abruptly and even comically at that question, but I resisted. It wasn't within my nature to demean or embarrass this girl. I wanted her to really think outside the articulately barbed box that her upbringing bred her into. I didn't try to seem self righteous with my talking points. I actually wanted her to learn something from our talk because she seemed like a bright person otherwise. Today I got into the same discussion again when a friend admitted to me he didn't believe in evolution at all... It's fine to hold your beliefs to be true to what works and is consoling to you. But evolution is a fact, and it explains the origin of species and how we got here now. There is an overwhelming evidence since the 21'st century to prove it to be true. Now people can argue moral truths, or a theory by which supports ones interpretation of the purpose of the world and ones life personally, but I am arguing the scientific truth, the universal truth, what life is, how we got here - only which the scientific truth rationalises. Religion and blind faith do not have the presence of evidence to support its figmented theories, therefore it has no relevance nor heresay to what should be labelled and taught about in the educational sense.

I care about the real truth, not poetic conjectures. I am not going to impose what's in fact really true on people, far be it from me to force it upon them. It bothers me when children are brought up separation from the scientific truth which is deliberately erected by tradition or authorities in particular cultures and it develops into artificial explanations by which has no creditable base to it; thereupon it attempts to blur the staggering evidence of evolution and natural selection. I may sound self righteous when I justify my points, but unlike religion or psuedotheories, my explanations are valid and have the appropriate criteria to back up its claims.
I can say Sarah Palin has no tangible credentials to be President. That is matter of opinion and an argument of my belief system. Evolution is not a belief system in the same respect as 2+2=4 is not a belief system. I only wish more people could notate the separation between the two.

My mood is a little discerned lately. A guy I met in a random way told me he would only date someone like me if I would dress more "mainstream" like him. It was probably one of the most ludicrous things I ever heard. It was just under the time a guy told me he believed himself to be a form of a vampire. Just proves how many insecure people there are out there trying to change people for their own benefit.

Leaving Chicago was bittersweet as usual. It was hard to take the train back alone and going back to the same to same redundant and subdued environment. In a comparison from Detroit suburbia to there, I know Chicago has much more to offer. I have genuine family members there. Big cities are starting grounds for me, and they give me an initiative. This is something I should stop losing sight of.