Friday night I totally compensated for a lack of a Christmas by spending the evening with three of my good friends. We had a extravagant dinner with expensive wine and exchanged gifts. I got a whole new winter wardrobe. I felt exceptionally blessed in the non-religious sense.

Saturday night and the entire day today, I watched nothing but true crime dramas on MSNBC. Stories of abduction, kidnapping, and rape. Sometimes I can get very absorbed in criminology cases. I broadened my search of crime oddities on the Internet and stumbled upon the story of politician Bud Dwyer, who chose to commit suicide at a public news conference in 1987, rather than face corruption charges he was then being indited with.

This is a rather graphic video of the news conference suicide, but nonetheless I still found it fascinating to watch in a way I can't quite elucidate on. It just seems beyond reality...

http://www.bestgore.com/suicide/budd-dwyer-suicide-video-footage/

There were also other videos on this site of actual beheadings. There was one of six Russian soldiers that were captured and graphically decapitated by 19 Chechen Mujahideen terrorists through a long, revolting display of sequences. I couldn't get through the entire video because it was just too intense. Although the explicitness made me want to better understand these stories that often only make the brief headline news. To comprehend that slayings like these are routine in some parts of the world. I empathise very deeply sometimes. I feel arbitrarily lucky.

I feel selfish for admitting that without being able to offer anything other than a fortuitous sentiment .

In lighter news, I have brown hair again.

I had some difficulty falling asleep last night.
I rationalise myself as an Atheist because of science and because of the cultural divides it invokes throughout the masses. My understanding of science has aided me in intellectualizing my resolve for concepts of unexplained, universal life forces at works. However, with that discernment being self-evident, I had never really considered and allowed myself to altogether comprehend what this exactly explicates -
that this is the only life I will have - materially and transcendentally.

We often distort the factual world we live in due to the adoration our society reveres for spirituality and private belief, whether it be religious or new age in interpretation. Human beings are innately delicate and often inclined in believing that we are entitled to another life besides the tangible one we embody. Nowadays we can't to see to be able to escape from superstition in the literary world, the entertainment industry,health industry that causes us to distance ourselves from reality because it's enlightening in the prospects of 'something else to come'. Nonetheless, we all know that just something is consoling doesn't make it true. Science fiction in film on the subject of the paranormal can prove engaging with respect to its thematic elements. When I was a teenager I wasn't interested much in paranormal oddities. I was rather fond of comic book superheros because I was engaged by their anatomical structures. Primarily with the mutants of the Marvel Universe; reason being that they were genetic byproducts, just as we are, in a more farfetched imaginative sense. I will say I was particularly fond of Stephen King's 'The Shining'. The scene with the creepy ghost twins whom were bludgeoned by their father by means of an ax left an impressionable mark on my conscious. Though I was able to distinguish all the entertainment value of it from reality. Some suscepitable people however are just enticed too far with their imagination, and then can make preposterous assertions that they deem as valid. Which seems harmless in regards to one individuals tailoured delusion, but when numerous people make a claim aware, it has the trend for it to gain ground and reverence. Unlike the concept of ghosts and spirits, the religious convert their assertions into anabridged convictions - initiated by a legion of devoted followers. Consequentially, this should raise questions in how we perceive the methodical differences between isolated hallucinogenic behaviour in contrast to systematic mass illusion.
Think about it - if one person has the delusion that they speak in telepathic transmissions to a metaphysical being that resides on the surface of the Earth's moon, one could say this would be a fairly lonely feeling; particularly because no one else would believe this and he or she would be omitted as mad bonkers. Ones faith would need a lot of suring up to be absolutely convinced that the supernatural entity that's communicating to them via moon is irrefutably real. Now if millions upon millions of people shared this exact same strong belief, this would give tremendous reinforcement to the faith of the idea that there is a celestial being on our moon. Group solidarity is remarkably seductive.

Getting back to what I originally intended to say with respect to now being fully self aware that after my life is lived. There will be no departing soul, no reincarnation, no said afterlife that will be selected for me based upon what kind of moral life I led - which is elucidated differently by dozens of disparate religions and denominations. When I die, there will be blackness and nothing more. I laid awake in my bed last night and pondered that very thought, and I admit, I was overcome with angst for a few moments. Then clarity - I saw just how precious my life is, and how far more liberating to free myself from believing there are beneficial and dire consequences at stake based on the accordance of how I live.

I want compatible monogamous love, professional fulfillment, all intertwined into a encouraging environment.
It is said that Sweden and the Czech Republic are the most Atheistic countries to live in. Having lived in one them already I think Sweden would be more progressive change of pace one day.

I guess we'll see.

"We are going to die and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they're never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place, but who will, in fact, never see the light of day, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. ...In the face of these stupefying odds, it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here. Here's another respect in which we are lucky. The universe is older than a hundred million centuries. Within a comparable time, the sun will swell to a red giant and engulf the earth. Every century of hundreds of millions has been in its time, or will be when its time comes, the present century. The present moves from the past to the future like a tiny spotlight inching its way along a gigantic ruler of time. Everything behind the spotlight is in darkness, the darkness of the dead past. Everything ahead of the spotlight is in the darkness of the unknown future. The odds of your century being the one in the spotlight are the same as the odds that a penny, tossed down at random, will land on a particular ant crawling somewhere on the road from New York to San Francisco. You are lucky to be alive and so am I."

'Letting Go of God'

An excerpt of Julia Sweeney's (Saturday Night Live's Pat), one person monologue on letting go of religion.

I want to see the whole show.

Why I am a militant Atheist.

I watched this witty lecture by Richard Dawkins tonight, one I hadn't seen, and it made me reflect upon my understandings of myself and the affect science, religion, and politics have had on me for the past 24 years.




I felt inclined to pay homage to science with a little commentary because well, I don't have much else to do tonight. :)

Around second grade, I took a vested interest in primates by the sheerest accident. I read about Dian Fossey, the late anthropologist, in a children's book and saw the film, 'Gorillas in the Mist'. What particularly drew my attention to primates was the likeness they were to humans in relation to their subtle mannerisms, nurturing capabilities, the fact that they were able to learn sign language. At a young age I was rather awe struck by our intellectual similarities that they were able to grasp like us, and I steadidly became more engrossed in areas of zoology (all before I even understood evolution). In elementary school, I created a diorama of a habitual environments for Mountain Gorillas, in which I also gave a little presentation/lecture on how the largest of the great apes make use of their habitat. I won second prize.

I was first introduced to Richard Dawkins at a early age on PBS. I saw his Christmas lectures 'Growing up in the Universe'. He eagerly opened up my acquisitiveness for an array of explanations that I had previously only pondered in my own private thought as nothing than meager trivialities; daydreaming if you will.

I was given a sensible understanding of how organisms have evolved from bacteria to mammals in a slow, gradual, incremental process, such as that of the human eye.








During this, I still attended Catechism and had a workbook in which I still memorized Catholic assertions pertaining to how God created the Earth, and why Jesus makes me moral. I very much understood the contradictions I was seeing with both of my after school activities, but I didn't dare question it. I didn't know I was allowed to ask a question, and if I did so at a young age it probably would of disconcerted my parents, or made me the subject of ridicule amongst my peers. Though as I gradually got older, my understanding of science cultivated, just as the creationist movement became more strident, revolutionary, and absurd.

The truth is I care very deeply about the truth. I care about consequences that arise when the truth is defiled and distorted. I care about the truth of my genetic disposition and how Christians are manipulating it. (This was one reason why I felt compelled to leave the US for some time.) It effects me as it should effect most homosexuals. The raging argument amongst the three Abrahamic religions today criticize and construe homosexuality as a free willed choice, and not that of a biological disposition. Obama's invocation speaker says he doesn't really care if in fact being a homosexual is a matter of biology, but tries to rationalise in this perspective:




Aside from him proclaiming that he actually has gay friends, I'm troubled by his outlandish paradox that he is equating anger, promiscuity, or any other unhealthy forms of counter-propitious acts of human conduct in the same understanding as being a homosexual. This is now become a common strategic argument the Christian right implement. Instead of using the words 'temptation' and 'sinful', because it immediately implies religious dogmas; they now have found a new tactic to conceal their contempt for 'un-Christian virtues'. They use social scientific analyses in the same regards a therapist would feem compelled to remark that it's time one might need to have an intervention due to a spouses obsessive compulsive antics that's causing tension in his or her marriage, or perhaps a young girls addiction to sniffing aerosol cans. We would all concur these are matters that could and should require a call for legitimate interference and mediation.
However, the way one could articulate this mentally to a vulnerable, young gay person in respect to coming to terms with his or her sexuality is a disgraceful infringement on the practise of remedial treatment, and an abuse of power of psychology. Like drug addicts, they believe homosexuals should be subjects for rigorous rehabilitation. This is a travesty and what's most worrying is that people actually believe and postulate this concept of synthetic psychology as right mind, when in actuality it's nothing more than rudimentary proselytizing in disguise.

When former Evangelical head of the New Life Church Pastor Ted Haggard admitted to soliciting a gay prostitute for sex and methamphetamine for a duration of a few years, he was removed from his leadership position, and then underwent three weeks of comprehensive counseling, overseen by four ministers. Three months after the scandal first broke, one of those ministers stated that Haggard

"is completely heterosexual".

The minister said he meant to say that therapy

"gave Ted the tools to help to embrace his heterosexual side."

Dawkins had a interview with Ted shortly before his scandal broke:




Religion is huge threat to my genetic disposition, just as important, it narcissisticly perverts the truth of science. I wouldn't object to devoting myself to a career, which I will likely do, that would advocate science and reason over contriving methods of religious entrapment, which are hell-bent on keeping societies from progressing naturally and maturely.

Well, this seems settled.

I'll talk about Halloween a little bit later. I must clear and expurgate myself of a nerving matter. I proposed the following question last night:

you meet someone. you are rather interested in them. you go on a date, but he/she quickly conveys that are not ready to date now due to a number of priorities in their life. they want to be friends, and you try to go along with it by being a good sport.
couple months later this same person comes to you and asks you for dating advice regarding someone.

do you have a right to be offended/upset?

I received the following responses:

Well than at least now you've seen his true color. You wouldn't want to be with a flake anyways. You know? You'll find someone that's honest and upfront with you from the start the way you want them to be. Don't settle for anything less than what's important to you.

YES! He sounds like a coward.

i would be offended and a little irritated, personally.
it might be okay if you were long time friends and had developed that kind of a relationship, but considering i'm assuming that this is about chris...i'd be a bit pissed.

I don't have a problem with him being interested in someone. My only qualm is being told one telling, not being able to date someone due to overwhelming priorities, then contradicting/downplaying you told someone that, THEN making it seem as if I am exaggerating this. I'm not inventing anything. I remember peoples words as well as their actions, and I hold them amenable to their vindications. If one can't own up to their previous renditions, well that says enough in order for me to make a critical discernment of their character. If this happened more than 6 months ago, I might have a margin of understanding, but this was about 8 weeks ago.
I probably should of rationalised this better before, but he seemed like his intentions were sincere. Though my patience only fourth goes for so long until these all and well intentions become dumbfounded by inconsiderateness, and I must expand in professing, flakiness, too.
I dealt with precarious friendships/relationships in my first 5 years of being out and gay. I'm all too familiarized from such experiences to know what's genuine, and what's spurious.

This past evening.

I had dinner and then tea with a guy I dated as well as with his boyfriend of a couple years.
We sat comfortably and talked about religion and politics. I left feeling happy for him.

Of course, there is no vendetta as a result of broken promises/lies said between us - so it's unlike other previous relationships, but still, that's rather unprecedented of me I must say.

I like when I surprise myself.

This woman is too smug for her intelligence.

The Lord will take care of us.

My, what a jaunty way to resolve all of life's oppressing complications; to prefer a candidate who puts reliance on a imaginary figure to resolve life's hard-hitting affairs, and worse, put credence in a world leader who advocates illogical interpreting in a time of a crisis. Hey, whatever makes one dumb and happy, but let the rest of us progress, and catch up to every other civilized democracy. People like this particular woman would benefit more in a tribal society on a deserted island, with a fire and brimstone constitution of all their own, inscribed on walls of a cave.

Barack Obama's late mother has been noted as an Atheist. Obama wrote in one of his book that she advised him to study the works of many religions, as her being an anthropologist, she felt it helped him understand in greater detail people in general. Obama has had to defend himself on numerous occasions that he is in fact a Christian, and he decidedly chose a Christian faith despite an upbringing from a woman of science, as well as a father that Obama claimed had no religious interests whatsoever. I am skeptic to the legitimacy of Obama's claimed religious preference, and in a good respect. I earnestly believe he is an intellectual, not a blind sighted religious fanatic. He of course has to contort this in order to get elected to public office

Do you ever wonder what story you're going to be in someone else's life?

Seriously, I only feel like associating with people who have known me 2+ years anymore. Then I could risk the chance of people writing me off as pompous or highbrow. I'm neither of those, and I don't exude any such related characteristics if one really gets to know me. Meeting new people altogether now dismays me.

There is a risk though just being candid and who I am. Fear of being subjected to scrutinising without accuracy. Never before in my life have I been self conscious about it. I have always deflected myself away from the mainstream with my overall appearance, the music I listen to, etc. Perhaps I should demote my individuality as I know it and start wear studded belts, throw away my science DVD's, and watch Project Runway like everyone else. Well, no, I am not going to do that, but I feel as if I have to start becoming intuitively aware of the infrastructure of the types of people I can correspond to with more agreeably and eloquently than others. Labelling who they are in simple words might be construed as bias, but in my own awareness, I have a rough idea of the qualities and peculiarities they exhibit.

I just feel a little hurt now, so hence the dramatic intonation in my words..

..moving on.

I wrote my cousin Crystal about my interest of moving to Chicago, and she replied favourably to my e-mail. I liked that.

Little known fact, I watch this show obsessively on my computer everyday. I love it.

Elisabeth wore a 'Ameri-Cain' shirt today to elevate her exhausting Republican rhetoric.

Geez..

Apparently I have a profound effect on people with my viewpoints. Often whenever I stress another way of looking at a situation in casual discourse, merely another angle, people can get in such cahoots over it because I am casting doubts to an issue they thought their mind is clearly made up on. It's not my intention to cause mischief or take advantage of others, but if I enable people to think outside their normal realm of thinking, you would think that is a good thing? Something that might have some merit? If what I was saying had no exemplary base in argument, of course, my opinions should be easily omitted without regard to consideration; but if it does give them a reaction, then that's a clue. However, it's almost never the retort I was hoping for. Instead I have to be seen as some sort of threat for suggesting something opposite to their understanding. I then become perceived in such a negative sense. I hate that! I wish I could have a constructive conversation with someone that doesn't take offence to a point I raise. It's often people who are insecure on such issues that do this. I am one to criticise issues like this because I have been there numerous times myself on several affairs. I am insecure on many things, therefore I offer my perspective in regards to my experience on particular matters that have made a thorough difference in my life.
I just wish people could take my feedback respectively as something to consider, not something I am picking on them about.

I never really talk about my sister but my sister is the person who is probably most like me. We like some of the same authors, dress like we're from different decades, have similar views on culture and beliefs; only real solid difference between us is she is more lighthearted than myself. My decipherment to why that is that she's a Buddhist and I have more years on her, indicating more life experiences and then ensuing cynicism on my point of views. She got a new haircut in which I kidded with her as a "Scientology haircut", because I saw Katie Holmes with the same one. But it's cute though. :) I caught her this morning in the bathroom and snapped a picture of her, visibly bemused to what I was doing.

I ran into Chris today at Bean & Leaf out of chance. Chris was the chap I eluded to in ambiguously edited entries some time back. I found someone I thought could finally put my insecurities to rest with, and date them willingly without restraint. Well, conflicting circumstances didn't make that possible for us. It was difficult to get through without taking it personal, but it could of been much worse. We have been keeping in touch considerately via Internet since that happened. Today felt awkward though, and I so wish it didn't. It felt like one of those encounters you have with people that are no longer in your life and you feel obligated to catch up with one an others lives in 2 min duration where the entire context of the conversation is on a surfaced level. It's rushed, trite, and seemingly fake to put it blatantly. Perhaps I am to blame as well. I know I contributed to making things somewhat wavering between us due to the nature of my emotions at the given time. I just wish it didn't have to carry over to the present. I felt inclined as he was packing up his stuff to ask him if he wated to get coffee somewhere and talk in a more carefree/unadulterated fashion, but I hesitated yet again.. :/

Nowadays I'm not as daring or as adventurous with dating as I was when I was 20. So I guess out of respect of that fact that I shared a brief past or an experience with a person I just hope that there would be of a more of an interactive dialogue if and when I see them again by chance. Maybe that's false expectations. I know why I make such a valiant effort though and why these issues are so dear to me. It's always been easier for me to resent my (real) ex's and write them off as thoughtless and inhumane due to their choices and indecisions in putting my sensitivities at jeopardy. I don't want to do that anymore to people to whom did not do anything to go out of their way to disdainfully hurt me for far less vindications. Realistically, it doesn't work to my advantage and compensate for anything. For instance, last weekend I expected to have had a more elated reunion with Adam, but at the club we were both in, it went nothing further than him asking how my ex was and patting my behind whenever he felt inclined to do so.

I'm thinking more about Chicago. I'm aware that there are more slim findings as far as prospects of dating goes, but that's not what is on my mind. In cities, people are just looking for thrills. Suffice it to say though, that may just be what I need now. Not in the sexual sense, but I am obviously bored here and I keep finding ways in talking myself into getting settled here without making any ill or hasty decisions by "running away". But there are conclusive and explanatory reasoning's to why I still haven't committed with going through with getting a new apt, or a new car. I'm not ready to that here perhaps. Honestly I don't now what else I need to accomplish here anymore. I might need to redefine running away simply as moving on. I might be making some abrupt decisions in the succeeding months ahead.

Chicago served as a rejuvenating breathe of fresh air. I stayed with older cousin Crystal. I got the chance to see my best friend from high school to catch up and be silly all over again like when we were loud theatre kids.
Seeing my cousins and my favourite aunt are always a treat. On Saturday I went out to do cute vegetarian/vegan diner in Boystown. My cousin Josh is a intellectually junior version of me and we see eye to eye well on debatable topics.

Saturday afternoon I ran into an ex fling from my past by sheer coincidence. He was sitting on some church steps talking on his mobile as I was passing by. He informed he would be at Berlin later that night which I planned on attending with my cousin that night. Long story short, that evening was nothing short of a disconcerting/awkward experience with Adam. I held a lot of esteem for him in hindsight.I don't often have experiences in the same respect that I did with him. Now I realise I was just a pawn, for lack of a more sympathetic word. I suppose I'm glad I've finally seen clarity on this.

Religion came into conversation the past few days. Once on the train ride to Chicago with a student from MSU who sat next to me. We talked two hrs casually on topics of traveling and food before we even delved into god. It was obvious she had never questioned any viewpoint outside her Judeo-Christain faith because one dense question she raised was,

"The tomb in which Jesus was buried in. His bones are not there, so don't you think he had to of risen from the dead?"

I must admit, I could have laughed abruptly and even comically at that question, but I resisted. It wasn't within my nature to demean or embarrass this girl. I wanted her to really think outside the articulately barbed box that her upbringing bred her into. I didn't try to seem self righteous with my talking points. I actually wanted her to learn something from our talk because she seemed like a bright person otherwise. Today I got into the same discussion again when a friend admitted to me he didn't believe in evolution at all... It's fine to hold your beliefs to be true to what works and is consoling to you. But evolution is a fact, and it explains the origin of species and how we got here now. There is an overwhelming evidence since the 21'st century to prove it to be true. Now people can argue moral truths, or a theory by which supports ones interpretation of the purpose of the world and ones life personally, but I am arguing the scientific truth, the universal truth, what life is, how we got here - only which the scientific truth rationalises. Religion and blind faith do not have the presence of evidence to support its figmented theories, therefore it has no relevance nor heresay to what should be labelled and taught about in the educational sense.

I care about the real truth, not poetic conjectures. I am not going to impose what's in fact really true on people, far be it from me to force it upon them. It bothers me when children are brought up separation from the scientific truth which is deliberately erected by tradition or authorities in particular cultures and it develops into artificial explanations by which has no creditable base to it; thereupon it attempts to blur the staggering evidence of evolution and natural selection. I may sound self righteous when I justify my points, but unlike religion or psuedotheories, my explanations are valid and have the appropriate criteria to back up its claims.
I can say Sarah Palin has no tangible credentials to be President. That is matter of opinion and an argument of my belief system. Evolution is not a belief system in the same respect as 2+2=4 is not a belief system. I only wish more people could notate the separation between the two.

My mood is a little discerned lately. A guy I met in a random way told me he would only date someone like me if I would dress more "mainstream" like him. It was probably one of the most ludicrous things I ever heard. It was just under the time a guy told me he believed himself to be a form of a vampire. Just proves how many insecure people there are out there trying to change people for their own benefit.

Leaving Chicago was bittersweet as usual. It was hard to take the train back alone and going back to the same to same redundant and subdued environment. In a comparison from Detroit suburbia to there, I know Chicago has much more to offer. I have genuine family members there. Big cities are starting grounds for me, and they give me an initiative. This is something I should stop losing sight of.

I can finally feel an Autumn breeze.

And I wish I could come home to something adorable after I get out of work. CNN isn't very adorable. A boy is probably asking too much, so I was thinking more along the lines of a pug. I'm thinking of getting one when I get my own place. Then I can come home from my day where we both can lay together and make this face:



My Maple Syrup Diet Master Cleanse is going ok. I'm slightly jittery, and I am surprised that I have as much energy as I do. I am thinking of ending my diet a day early because I would like to eat more than just soup when I am in Chicago next week.

I realise I am getting older when I'm racing home from work on a Friday night to watch the Presidential Debates.

Oh wait, I was doing exactly the same thing eight years. :p

yeesh. such hypocrisy in hindsight.

Mondays are my most carefree days every week. I don't work and I don't tutor. I usually pack up a book and my laptop and cafe hop for the day.

I have had so much tea and coffee though I become extremely relaxed and then fidgety after consumption of caffeine. A friend of mine is doing the master cleanse and I decide I would like to try it too in a few days. I figured I would allow myself a few days to slowly intake liquids over solids. I'm not really doing this to lose weight, but just to feel physically rejuvenated if you will. I know some of the side effects may be headaches or dizziness and if it becomes too intense, I will end it straightaway.

I'm looking forward to visiting Chicago in a few short weeks. I'm going to re-acquaint with my best friend from High School (whom I haven't seen in over 3 years) and also with my favourite cousin. I'm considering of getting in touch with a couple other people whom I have grown estranged from for particular circumstances.

I been pondering lately I think why I feel so cynical of gay culture. Much of it has to do with norms of style and presentation. Whenever I enter in a gay bar, I often am quick to notice the differentiation between them and myself, because it's all very obvious. I'll be standing in a room of taller men of all ages with faked baked, chizzled muscles and tight Armani Exchange muscle shirts. Then there is me standing meekly in comparison to them. I clearly have no sightly muscles to flaunt, I prefer to wear cardigans, and my face is usually covered by rectangular glasses and flat ironed hair hanging over my eyes. I know I don't exactly emit the normative standards of gay sex appeal. The issue is not so much that I feel envious or inadequate compared to them, because I am not trying to be that. I have a preconceived notion based on my past gay lifestyle experiences that I will have nothing in common with them, and I am content with feeling settled with that outlook being that I know I will probably be right the majority of the time. I'm fine with dressing more maturely, even if it goes well beyond my years. I feel pity for the 40 something saps that sport A&F graphic tee's. Bleh. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be more toned, and I have thought about joining a small athletic facility for something to do in some downtime.

Oh, I let out my introverted craziness last week and it was fantastic. Last Thursday at Luna's 80's night was amazing. I arrived extra early and I danced by myself on the floor opposite of Colin and Stephanie. I wish I could make it a weekly ritual.

To briefly sum up my dancing style:

It seems like in order to have a stable, praise-worthy relationship, you have to be rather accomplished in order for that to happen. In many cases, relationships less than that are solely out of convenience.

Unfortunately for me, I know I have quite a long way to go before I will be accomplished to the adequate standards that I see befitting for myself.

My best friend told me recently that many of us often make the mistakes to look for fault in ourselves when we get rejected.

We do this when really the answer is in front of us as plain as day. The problem in fact lies within them, nonetheless, we still can feel vulnerable and convince ourselves otherwise.

I did that for 9 months whilst in Europe. I cannot fall victim to it again.

Tonight I went to the Royal Main Art Theatre and saw Towel Head with my co-worker, Colin. Tomorrow I am having breakfast with the friend I can laugh the most around, Rob.
Tomorrow night I am dressing and dancing to the 80's with my best friend and company.

Things, I hope, will be fine.

The Missing Piece.

I am in near completion to becoming a big O. I have undergone some highly traumatic, inconceivable experiences that have left both emotional scars and physical ones.I am skeptical of most peoples intentions on initial impressions. Is that imprudent of me? I wouldn't think so considering my history. I am not weak though. I have travelled and worked in Europe alone and by my own means. I am intellectually inclined, and I am an independent thinker. I can be abstract with my disposition, but my intentions are as pure as the day comes. I am worthy of everything that life has to offer me.




(I knew all this already, just a mere reminder)

Did I actually write about a weekend???

This weekend was absolutely drab weather wise, but it was enlightening in respects to some reserved prejudices I upheld steadily for some time.

I forgotten how touchingly aesthetic it feels to be with another person in a intimate, unreserved context. It's been so long since I allowed myself to willingly enter in and experience that implicitly, but I met someone not long ago that gave me an incentive to do so. I think what I missed most with dating is having a inside, private moment with someone, a moment that is disinterested from the notion of an uninterrupted world outside two people. Of course, such moments can't and won't last forever, and with that considered, I feel that is what distinctively conceives the bliss of what's there, then, and now. What seems appropriate is to savour it while it's there.

"I am going to kiss someone and not allow timidness nor an analysis interfere with it."

I have to start undertaking as well as financially investing in some choices relatively soon. Residentially, transportation-wise, and education. I have to conquer them all, but constructively do so by putting them in a sequential order of importance based upon a logistic and rational intuition. FASFA is essential; I need to know how much money I can borrow from the government next Spring.

On the softer side of things, Fall is bleakly appearing (by means of a stormy introduction), so Halloween is approaching! I am ready to take on the appearance of an awkwardly possessed Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters) as well as a psychotic Nurse Joker (The Dark Knight). Both are pretty unique and sensibly cost efficient to do. I am also looking forward to more satirical jabs at the Republicans as this election season unfolds more elaborately and competitively. Last night Tina Fey brilliantly spoofed Sarah Palin on SNL, and I can't wait for more.




So things feel progressive and not overly neurotic for a change. It's nice.

Today someone made an interesting comment today after reading my blog; that with respect to my choice phrasing of words,

"I would make a fine political speech writer."

Scary thought! I don't think I have it within me to be that freely bias/critical though. :p

Clearly, I am analytical.

It's been habitual for at least the last 5 years. In respect to my blog, I like to purge myself in making representational examinations of myself, the points I make are at times explicit and clear, or just overly neurotic driven by precariousness. Regardless of what sources motivate a blog it will almost never be concise in articulation.
I could write about my daily affairs in a dramatic Dear Diary tone.

Dear Diary, work today was drab.

Dear Diary, I am never drinking again, and this is why...

This is the demeanour by which I wrote in my LiveJournal for years - but then I steadily grew up, as well as away from that technique. Though for once, I think I will incorporate a story of interest so I can not seem so ambiguous with the origin of where my perspective is deriving from.

I work with a fellow named Colin that analyses just as much as I do. The current deliberation between us is of a fellow that works a street away from me that came into my work and seemingly flirted with me last weekend. Now very little has happened since then, but with all the analysing we have done over subtle, meaningless antics, it made it seem like a lot more has ensued. On Monday, on my day off, I went into his workplace with a book and an apple, and the person of interest served me a soy latte. I, however, was too timid to instigate a casual conversation in the same forward manner he did. I quietly sat with my book, looked up occasionally to make a couple of improvisational comments to him if was nearby. There is a certain amount of time that passes until one feels more like a lurker rather than a customer, so I decided it was in my best interest to leave out of risking embarrassment. I didn't get very far before I convinced myself to go ahead and take the initiative to see if he would like to hang out later if wasn't busy. He said he would love to, but he had plans later and said he would get back to me Wednesday. I smiled and sort of walked away in a shy stupor. Today he walked in again to say he still is really busy. I just acknowledged it casually, and told him to drop by whenever. In hindsight, it would of been wise to have gave him my phone number, but until I actually engage with someone freely I feel this overwhelming amount of pressure in a moment. I can not seem to be able to behave naturally and candidly; I'll trip, I'll gaze at the floor for a moment when I talk - all sorts of asinine conduct has the chance to take place. Normally, I wouldn't make the effort to be this onward, but as my previous blog discussed, I am trying to veer away from my typical trends of "dating". I admit, it has its spontaneous additives, but still, nothing detracts away from my innate clumsiness. I get misrepresented fairly easily as a result. I'm progressing though, I suppose I can just think of this as practise.

On a unrelated note -
I bought a new book tonight - The Blank Slate by Steven Pinker. It was recommended by my favourite evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins. I read the preface at Goldfish Tea tonight and was pleased so far.Lately, I am becoming more engrossed in scientific books that argue that our biology plays an influence in the concept of human nature and modern life through genetic factors as well as environmental. I personally find it fascinating to sort this out. The refusal to acknowledge human nature is like the Evangelicals ignorance to evolution, but worse: it perverts our sciences and education, our public discourse, and the everyday lives we lead. It's well known that a single contradiction can corrupt a set of facts and then allow a string of fables to propagate through it. For that reason, I more than ever find it crucial to understand the factual and tangible world we live in. Some, including my own family, have argued that I may be too literal or unimaginative. I humbly dispute that; I just like to understand why I am so short in height by nature in the same understanding to why I am suspicious by nature. I know I can't reach these kinds of answers in a bible or in a daily horoscope. Accepting a conclusion just because it is convenient or readily available is just weak and dastardly.

Anyways, I know I am not mundane, and I am not always complex. My friends can speak for how animated I can get. :)


Dear Diary, I want to dance.

I thought I was in love twice.

For the first time in months since I have moved back from Europe, I have been feeling as if my life is starting to regain direction and become sensible again. I do not have all the necessities I wish I had right now, but I'm enroute to getting them through steps. I now understand that I have to allow gradual progressions into my life if I am ever going to feel in control and at ease. Erstwhile, this was never an easy thing for me to comprehend. For years I tried to dictate a control over the direction in which my life was going to go, and whom I thought was going to stay in it. Consequently, I underwent some rude awakenings and I fell to some harsh disappointments. I now understand the reasoning for that was an ignorance on my part in allowing life to happen in a unadulterated fashion.

As of lately, I have been trying vehemently to understand relationships and distinguish them from the flawed interpretations I had of them before. I went for a long time believing I would be more settled if I knew the qualifications of what would make a befitting life partner, and when I actually dated someone I would strongly analyse if I knew they were going to be someone I could see myself with in a long term committed sense. I suppose many people do that, but I wouldn't even enter in a dating situation if I wasn't sure that they met the criteria I was looking for. Now, not so much. I am still very selective with the people I find attractive; style and personality attributes are essential in formulating an initial attraction. There must be something instantaneous from the get go. I have made mistakes in the past when meeting new people and mistaking platonic friendships in a contrived dating concept.

Now dating for me has taken on a whole new clarity. I don't want a life partner, but rather progressive interactions with someone I find cute and stimulating. Right now there is only one concentrated pursuit I will have in my life and that will be furthering my education and career goals. I surely don't want to be intrusive on someone else's priorities, just as I don't wish them to be in respect to mine. I am quite comfortable with spending time independently (I had no option to when living abroad). With all things considered though, I am a living being and it's within my natural genetic disposition to desire companionship and affection. I contemplate what it would be like to just kiss someone without having to worry about what is all at stake with doing it. It would be gratifying to find a medium between professionalism and inclination.

Sensitivities will always be apparent in such matters and I believe the line gets blurred when the heaviness of feelings becomes precedent over ones priorities. It seems imparitive to always be aware of that so one can avoid such an entanglement. However, if the feelings are genuine and worthy enough then maybe there can be room for concession, but the passing of time is only what can validate legitimate feelings from convenient ones.

Tonight I was waiting for Stephanie to go on her lunch break at B&N so she could give me a discount on a Richard Dawkins book I wanted to purchase because I can be frugal at times.

An Elderly woman sat next to me as I was flipping through one of his books. I didn't glance at her, but I saw her walker out of the corner of my eye and she made an effort in propping the cushions to Barnes & Noble armchairs rather blatantly. After flipping through her magazine long enough she made an effort to talk to me and inquired about what I was reading. I was in the middle of flipping through excerpts of The God Delusion. I timidly turned the book over for I was embarrassed, for I was just outed as an atheist. I naturally felt the need the explain myself as if was a young teenager that was caught with a pornographic video. I sort of stammered weakly for a few seconds. I was waiting for this elderly woman to make a religious based criticism about my book - but she didn't. Before the possibility of undergoing a lengthy sermon of a critique (that the elderly are often prone in prattling on about), I took the initiative to explain to her that I was an atheist that views the world scientifically, logically, and through evidence based reason. Furthermore, I paraphrased to her it wasn't only religion I saw a fallacy in, but I also didn't believe in supernatural belief systems or any of the numerous divisions of pseudo-sciences. She seemed interested and she followed with a series of questions about my upbringing, and she then responded in return with hers. There was one point in our conversation when she asked me if I believed in resurrection, and I politely told her I didn't. She then reminisced a story of her son that had just passed away a couple years ago. She showed me pictures of him that she pulled from her purse. Her late son's daughter became pregnant on the anniversary of her fathers death, unfortunately it resulted in a miscarriage. She became pregnant again, and gave birth on a the same number day of her fathers death, but on a completely different month. Nonetheless, she still felt that this was the works of something of a higher understanding. She asked me my perspective on that and I was hesitant on how to respond. I didn't want to desecrate or impugn this woman's emotions, or do a insensitive disservice to her late son in any way with being honest in saying that her perceptions are indeed nothing more than a wishful aberration at works.. I told her that it is human nature for (most) people find ways to attain closure by looking for signs of supernatural symbolism in a loved ones death, and that it helps people through times of bereavement. To my surprise, she didn't dispute my answer. Stephanie was then waiting by now, so I informed her I had to leave and then introduced myself formally to her before I left. Her name was Mary. I told her it was a pleasure meeting her. It felt nice for the first time to be able to construe my views rationally to a stranger without having them dismissed as contemptible and immoral...Perhaps this was because this particular woman allegedly had a background in the arts (she is a standing poet and a former opera singer). Suffice it to say, I know I shouldn't ever presume to find such tolerant standards from people in the future, but this is one congenial encounter I do want to remember for what it was worth.

star-crossed idealists

You know it is a shame and an unfortunate reality.

The most sensitive people in society are also the most loneliest, the most terrified of dating and entering into a relationship.

They are the dreamers that fantasize about the bliss of what love is and the sanctity of it. They are not precarious with how they converse with people, usually quieter and more awkward seeming. They don't indulge in casual flirting.
They truely look inside people and they don't take their sensitivities for granite.

When such two timid personalities meet. It's a profound feeling.

However, the dreamy connection eventually turns hapless. A person will become absorbed with hesitancy and then reminded of formers, how they were damaged by them.
Concerned if history will only repeat itself. So they then let go before they allow themselves to go too far..

I wish life was more fair for such people like this, like myself. They are the ones that most value people as emotional beings. They are the most deserving, but by default, the more ill-fated as well.

that's a future worth hugging.

I often wonder who will be the people in my future 5 - 10 years from now. My friends, my reliance's , my confidants. It's so hard to say. Due to patterns of dwindling friendships and loves it leaves the future so uncertain in determining who will be consistently available and who won't be.
Then there is love and children. Lasting love is never a sure guarantee.
Children can be discouraging because you think about how the way you see beastly parents handle their children in the grocery stores, or to be reminded of the insecurities in which ones own parents handed down to them. The notion of carrying that over to children of their own seems grave and terrifying.
I am trying to understand, now more than ever, that fear doesn't have to be so by viewing the flip side to see a positively reinforcing representation that there is brilliant hope through such obstacles..

Two years ago, I used to work with a guy named Mike. Mike is a 21 year old software engineer and he became a dad last week. This picture is beautiful.


His life ahead may be open to a lot of hardships and changes but he will always have his son, Koen. He can dress him up for school, he can play with him, he can hug him, he can go to his parent teacher conferences and see the creative art he made.
He is fortunate in many ways. He has an opportune chance to be an incredible and benevolent father.
I think about what I most want from life is to eternally bind myself to someone by love; to teach it and live though it with them.
By being a respectable example.
Until then, I might need to build more tolerance within myself.

The E! True Hollywood Story - Praz

My cynical mood was cleared this morning when I fell upon a home movie of Praz from the pop sensation duo Nick & Praz.

..but first lets investigate some history.

Nick and Praz rose to fame in 2006 when their single Picture climbed the charts and spread across the airwaves of America like wildfire. Other number ones followed such as Don't go Breakin' My Heart, Ain't No Mountain High Enough, and I Gotta Man.


After further success on American Idol, Nick & Praz took a new direction when they decided to air a reality show on VH1's Tuesday prime time lineup. There Nick, as well as the rest of the world, came to face with the cold truth of the Praz that none of us had seen before...

A seemingly fair and trustworthy Praz fell to temptations of greed when she forgot the cameras were rolling...



It's no secret that Praz has almost always demanded the attention of the spotlight.

There were warning signs in Praz's stardom to fame - raving outbursts which date all the back to some very early staged performances.

Tragedy ensued one day when a 4 year old Praz refused to participate in a home video production with her brother and some neighborhood kids.
There chaos unfolded before the grace of god..

There was language. There was hitting..



Recently, Nick Walsh has found success outside of Nick & Praz as co-anchor of Facebook's Face the News.




The show was a major hit with many Facebook viewers, however a visibly saucy and agitated Praz had a different take of opinion in light of what other Facebooker's had to say..

(also see the popup at the start of the second minute of the FTN video.)


Praz's former manager Patricia McQueeney was quoted in saying,

"It should be said that the title of Praz's hit blockbuster film from last summer seems ironically befitting to her situation."


More headlines succeeded Praz in spring of 2008.

"Praz was yesterday seen at 1 PM PCT drinking a bottle of tequila in her yellow Lamborghini while parked outside the Face the New Studios. Nearby groundskeepers reported seeing a Louisville Slugger perched in her lap. Also, there are further speculations of her concealing a taser in her Marc Jacob's bag. More coverage on this later."





I'm so bored during lunch.

today.

Little ideas get in my head, flirt with other ideas, sometimes mate, and then one day I'll be walking down the street or doing dishes or computing when all of a sudden my mental water will break and a little thought-baby will be born unto me.

but i have to keep them to myself for now. ok?

time to go home.

only trouble is... gee wiz... i'm dreaming my life away.

I like looking at the innocence and purity of what music once was; men singing of broken hearts dressed in fully buttoned up suits and slicked hair. It seemed so much more honest then. In addition to my summer list for a pocket gay will be listening to records by Frankie Lymon, Connie Frances, and the Everly Brothers all summer long.

There is a fine thin line of constructive therapeutic alone time as opposed to reclusive hibernation.

Healthy alone time - reading a copy of Albert Camus's The Stranger in Roselawn cemetery on blue skied afternoon amongst the aura of calming nature - and while entertaining other assorted thoughts.

Questionable alone time - sitting in sweat pants upon my bed, reading back articles of The New Yorker on a blue skied afternoon while consuming Lean Pockets - and while entertaining other assorted thoughts.

An excerpt of today's self talking points:

conscious voice: knock off the solitary confinement, nicolas. your going back to the city soon enough. go out and enjoy what the beautiful day has to offer.

neurotic voice: but I'm constipated by my surroundings and cynical of its inhabitants so this seclusion satisfies me more so. there will be other beautiful days.

Neurotic voice is usually victorious due to having more valid claims.

Though all pseudo analysis aside, I should feel fortunate that I am not a frumpy housewife/mother from a square state that's living in such a comatose. Though I suspect I would need to hear more voices to qualify as such.

I recently posted an advertisement on Craigslist for a running partner. Before that, I made a posting to find like minded friends within the area. I had no interesting results with the exception of a seemingly nice introverted boy called Adam, whom I added to my MySpace.

Basically what I am desiring is a partner to experience 10 year old outdoors therapy with on a regular basis. I recently inherited a vintage Japanese racing bike. I want someone to ride bikes with around neighborhoods and parks, as well as someone to confide random observations to one other with. Maybe even chase an ice cream truck if it just beguiles our fancy. Just a companion to have when other friends are not always around.. It seems like a refreshing enough thought - at least in my mind.
The replies to my running post were of the typical gay men fashion that dulled my senses in the same way passing by an Abercrombie & Fitch store does to me - coming to face with and breathing in the trite, pungent aroma of lack of individuality.

An example of one reply:
Hey whats up? I wanna go to this crazy marathon n chicago and need to train your plan sounds great and hope i can join you. My name is dustin and live in royal oak 2. By the high school. u should get a pic with this email if not i can send more. 24yr wguy n fit shape. cool goffy guy here. give me a call if i can run with you. would like the challenge and inspiration. 248***-**** Peace -dustin

I have always held a fast and steady rule - I can only run with 24 year olds that didn't cheat on their remedial reading homework.

Now after receiving more of these e-mails of same or lesser quality, then conceptualizing the idea at hand some more I concluded it's more logical to save myself the time and embarrassment to seek people over the Internet in this style. It would of been more practical to put an advertisement in a Facebook note to those I already am acquainted with in some minimal kind of way. However, there comes these spontaneous inclinations I have on occasions where I want to be more outwardly convivial with society, but then I get slapped back into reality when I can only find guys that withhold diametrically opposing views of narcissistic attitudes than my own. I don't mind being judged so much, but not by gay men of the caliber that would likely be prone to mistaking my awkwardness as stupidity. I could imagine it would be difficult to recognise clairvoyance in ones character when one is blinded and consumed by brands that eradicate almost all displays of singulaity.
I know what it especially feels like to feel socially inept on a first impression; it would so much more consoling to come across a likewise understanding with someone I can sympathise with in respect to such ways of being.... Perhaps I just need to leave the suburbs altogether to attain more of that.
Speaking opportunely of which:
Last night, a friend of a friend of whom I met at the end of my stay in Prague contacted me and offered a room for rent at a nice happening area in Chicago at a reasonable rate. I would have to inform her by the end of the month if I would be willing to accept the offer, sign the lease, and move in on July 31'st. I am considering this.

Wouldn't it be nice...

I despise writing oh poor me blogs, but after the day I have had it seems to be the direction it's going to go in. Throughout much of my life, I have been dependent upon people in upsetting ways.

The perspective of a 13 year old onlooker: watching his mothers numerous sobbing and pleading demonstrations to her invective boyfriend to not leave her (even after he beat her own son). I eventually began to mimic those ideas in desperate situations with my ex boyfriends. When both of my relationships ended - I demanded of both of my boyfriends to be there for me at my time of bereavement. I usually don't like to ruminate on those memories on the kind of person I once was, or what I had seen as a boy to cause that development of mind.

I eventually decided to disassociate myself completely of all depend-abilities concerning people. I made a solemn vow to myself that when I left for Europe that I wasn't going to desire emotional needing. I was moving to a country I had never seen beyond pages of books, a place where I didn't speak the language - but none of that mattered, I was going to endure. I swore that I was going to be a self sufficient force of dynamical proportions that was going to be eternally changed for the better. That of course in hindsight was absolutely ludicrous of me to configure up. It was the state of mind I was in though (just skim the blogs I made before the last three). I had just undergone quite a distressing amount of loss and I felt it was the necessary way to be.

But on the contrary, it also worked in more ways than I bargained for. It had such a powerful effect actually that I now find that demanding to need people out of times of vulnerability is to be a complete defect of character by my understanding. As a result, I am having difficulty sympathising with such humanistic point of views with others along with considering the concept of asking that of someone else to do such for me... I absolutely have no problems with people coming to me in a time of need because I empathise so greatly for others. However when it comes to asking emotional strength from people I care about - I perceive it as if it's some carnal sin. I know I need to remind myself I am not in Prague anymore and that I actually have people here with whom I can trust my feelings to. My female friends that is no trouble, but with men it is especially dissimilar. All thanks to former relationships and my evasive father.

For no particular reason today, I wanted to let my dad know I loved him. Something interfered with that though (as it has been for the last 11 years). Basically I am what my father exudes in certain ways; he is divorced and he is a hard pressed for his feelings from it. By this, he lives in seclusion and in his own little figments of boyhood. He will be this way until he dies. I resent him for staying that way for the last decade as well as the obviously indifferent attitude he has maintained towards me.

Truthfully, if I didn't have friends like Stephanie to whom I can rationally explain such problems to I feel I would be quite the hopeless case right now. She reiterated to me she noticed a major change in my demeanor, that I have been blossoming in the ability to be more outward with myself in the past few weeks. She assures me of the credit that I can never give myself. She has more vision, defiance, and good will in her that I can only hope to exhibit. I don't ever boast about people like that, but if I didn't I feel as if I would be doing a great unjust to her. She is someone I do need in my life and is family to me.

I am trying to believe that doesn't make me an inadequate person - to need people in moderation (something I never of which had appropriately modeled for me). I still have quite a long way to go on many issues. I need to get over the anxiety I feel every time I see a beat up grey car out of the corner of my eye, and not allow myself to be overwhelmed with tension and fear that it's my ex. I need to build a system of trust. I need to learn that I needn't have to run far away because there are people already here that see merit and an eloquence within me.

On a unrelated note, I do feel the need to run away from here. Here, as in Oakland County. It was a beautiful blue skied day today, and my mood was heavily fazed. I walked alone through downtown Hazel Park and I took a rather concentrated notice to what an absently dispiriting place it is. Hazel Park is a dried up ghost town of what was once the model of a picturesque 1950's Leave it to Beaver suburbia. There are still standing appliance stores and bicycle shops, which seems to mirror reality as we know it like outdated dreams. As an observer, I felt like Enid from the graphic novel Ghost World.

As if upon my promenade I should find the blear old man on the bench that has been patiently waiting for the bus out of town; the one that stopped coming years ago.

rephrase that dyslexic czech boy.

I would make youtube videos in Europe for everyone back home so I would feel less forgotten. I didn't particularly love making them because I saw myself as, for lack of a better word, silly (I already seem awkward enough as is when out of the public eye of video). I became more sullenly introverted in Prague over time and it showed through the course of passing months as well as in the chronological order of these videos. Even my speech began to suffer. For instance, notice below in the last video of my walking into work; I used the wrong preposition - "this is the business office to the school I work at". As a result of frequently listening to Czechs broken English then combined with my own neurotic disarraying thoughts, I had succumbed to casual gibberish without even my realising. I couldn't use too large of a vocabulary around clients because it would go beyond their intellect of English - which could be humiliating for them and myself. The typical conversations I had on most days other than work was going into one of the 300 bakeries/sandwich shops throughout Prague, and making my order with carefully enunciated speech followed by gawky hand gestures.

1."Dobry den.... (good day)

2. I... want...two(point up two fingers with one hand and the other hand signals the item of choice) of these... please....

3. Yes (nod).. Take away.

4. Na shledanou (thank you)."

Day in and day out I often felt functionally impaired.
It's more perturbing than it may seem.

I love the way you talk to me...

Like a grade school fantasy, I told myself in my going to Europe I wasn't to return home to the States until I was married to an English boy and my paperwork for citizenship was in the final stage of review. I couldn't quite bag Daniel Radcliffe but through my experiences in England and Prague I had the opportunities to connect with a fair share of blokes. Some as platonic friendships and some were more deeper that that. Here are the better few:

Neil and Andy are boyfriends in their late 20's. They live in Leicester, which is the largest city in the East Midlands of England. They own a house together. Neil works in an administrative office setting and Andy is a store manager for Topman, the stand alone business counterpart of Topshop which caters exclusively for men's clothing. I acquainted with Neil through MySpace; we both share a passion for the Titanic (the actual history of it, not the DiCaprio film). When I initially arrived in Europe they were the ones that first greeted me at Heathrow. Sure it felt awkward at first but they were all well and polite. They had a derisive style of humour that made me feel comfortable quickly. Andy hadn't met many Americans or someone of an accent of my Yankee type, so consequently he often would mock my speech jokingly. That was fine by me (at times I couldn't quite decipher a few comments he said either). I also saw how the twos underlying wit contributed to their relationship. I have noticed similar findings with other committed gay couples, American and English alike, that share both a love and a mortgage together (which can really seal the deal). They often find humour in teasing each other because they seem to know their subtleties and quirks to a tee. Of course this can be found within heterosexual relationships as well but watching gay men do it, let alone English gay men - it's much more entertaining. The idea of entering into that seems convenient and discouraging at the same time, but with a English boy it seems more amusing - as skin-deep as that sounds.

We toured a couple of port towns to satisfy the likings of the ship enthusiasts. We also toured Stonehenge which was quite spectacular. Neil and Andy had a comfortable home in Leicester in which Neil conceded to me that he will be paying off until retirement. Neil was a Midlands homebody and despised the congested streets of London, so while there his obvious peeves were always made apparent in any confusing fast paced situations. Andy seemed more open minded and was in good spirits wherever we went. They balance each other out well.

Also, Neil and Andy's neighbors met us in London. They were a lesbian couple of polar opposites except for the width of their body frames. I do forget their names. One woman was younger and closer to my age. She dressed mostly in black and had the dominant role in the relationship. She spoke in the very brash fashion lesbians have stereotypically bestowed upon them - then mixed with dry English wit, it made her into even more of a bruiser.

Her partner, a woman of 40 something, upheld a more sophisticated ambiance. Unlike her virile ill-bred partner, she was polite, inquisitive, and made more of an attempt to be social to me without the attribute of being innately crass. She was what I had then expected by mere assumption of how a middle aged English woman was supposed to act. The only qualm I had of her was she brought a large formal wardrobe for traveling. She dumbfound-idly decided to walk around my first night in London in heels. She also did the same in Southampton. The picture you see of Neil and I with some beers was in Southampton. I had just finished airing my clothes with a hand dryer in the restaurants restroom after we were engulfed by down pouring summer rain due to the absence of an umbrella, and as the result of the steady paced blue coated women pictured above. I brooded in silence throughout that entire dinner.

Walking with them was like stop and go traffic and it detracted the great anticipation I had for my first memories in England. I was rather pouty over this (see my face). Neil and Andy understood this and later said they regretted even inviting them. Returning to Andy and Neil's home sweet home in Leicester was a nice relaxing change of pace. We toured an extravagant historical park, ate out locally at variety restaurants that had flair on the walls, and went to the movies. It felt like Oakland County but only English (minus the extravagant park). Neil and Andy will probably be the ones I will most likely keep in touch with in the future.

I also met Jack via Internet as I meet almost all gay males. Jack is 3 years my junior. He was born and raised in London (which is a type of all its own). He attended University in Bournemouth which was an hour south of London. Frankly I was really taken by my first impression of Jack. I see attraction through an array of minimal and subtle features and he captivated that so well. He had a very refined London accent, which are less common to find as you may think. He had a tendency to ramble at times which was cute of course because I adored his accent. He had an adventurous sense of style. He could pull off a glittery sweater that was meant exclusively for the character of one of the Golden Girls (Blanch Devereaux) and it would still compliment him. Perhaps because he had such a boyish appeal he couldn't help but not look charming in anything. Young Londoner's wear all sorts of tacky and colourful articles of clothing; where in comparison by here you would be perceived as a class five hipster that seems like he is trying too hard, but in London it's widely embraced amongst the more progressive generations. We spent nights at each other place. I liked his family as well. Jack's mother is a high school teacher that lives with her girlfriend of nearly a decade who works at a rehabilitation facility of some sorts. It was such a lovely family dynamic. I remember having dinners at their East London homestead where all of us gays, young and older, gathered around the table and discussed casual topics of interest over wine. Afterwards we would adjourn to the living room for a movie and tea. It felt comfortable with him but nothing lasting could work as a result of particular circumstances; Jack was definitely not one for committed relationships at this time in his life and obviously nor was I. We also argued at times over trivial matters. We were alike in many ways; we both could be brutally curt and we often made snap judgements at the explanations of ones perspectives. Regardless of similar antics, he was nice companionship. He recently wrote me and wished me a happy birthday and asked of my doings, which was kind of him.

Alasdair was a free spirited 21 yr old I met from some mutual friends in Prague shortly before I returned home. It was infatuation at first sight and we had a short lived romance. He spent some years living in America because his father was stationed in the navy. It was refreshing to hear how well he knew geography in the US. He was also in Prague teaching English for a stint which he had come to loathe. We both liked 80's synth pop and when in privacy we would listen to it dreamingly. Alasdair moved to India a week before I came home. We often sat in pubs through late hours of the night contemplating what will be in store in the soon to be future of our lives. He was going to be riding elephants in New Delhi while I was going to be coming back to a place where people eat in delis like elephants. I haven't been in contact with him since I came home because I am foolishly pendulous like that.

Robert was a good friend in Prague that I had throughout the extent of my stay. He was a independent and an observing thinker like me, which patened a rather maladroit friendship. We didn't always have an enormous amount to moot on about together, but we still enjoyed one anothers company nevertheless. He had been living in non-native English language countries for the past 4 yrs or so I could imagine if that made an impression on making a little small talk. I was only there for a little less than a year and I know for a fact it made an impact on my way of casual conversing (to put that lightly). Robert and I were there for each other when we both quit our jobs in Prague out of frustration. He lived in London for a couple months. I visited him there directly before I flew home to Michigan. Robert didn't last in London and I foresaw that even though I encouraged him to be optimistic about it. Robert found London to be too superficial, and one night he really demonstrated his feelings concerning that at a bar in Soho. Just a few days ago he moved back to Prague. His facebook status yesterday indicated that he was having his first beer in Prague. I think I'll send him a message.