I can finally feel an Autumn breeze.

And I wish I could come home to something adorable after I get out of work. CNN isn't very adorable. A boy is probably asking too much, so I was thinking more along the lines of a pug. I'm thinking of getting one when I get my own place. Then I can come home from my day where we both can lay together and make this face:



My Maple Syrup Diet Master Cleanse is going ok. I'm slightly jittery, and I am surprised that I have as much energy as I do. I am thinking of ending my diet a day early because I would like to eat more than just soup when I am in Chicago next week.

I realise I am getting older when I'm racing home from work on a Friday night to watch the Presidential Debates.

Oh wait, I was doing exactly the same thing eight years. :p

yeesh. such hypocrisy in hindsight.

Mondays are my most carefree days every week. I don't work and I don't tutor. I usually pack up a book and my laptop and cafe hop for the day.

I have had so much tea and coffee though I become extremely relaxed and then fidgety after consumption of caffeine. A friend of mine is doing the master cleanse and I decide I would like to try it too in a few days. I figured I would allow myself a few days to slowly intake liquids over solids. I'm not really doing this to lose weight, but just to feel physically rejuvenated if you will. I know some of the side effects may be headaches or dizziness and if it becomes too intense, I will end it straightaway.

I'm looking forward to visiting Chicago in a few short weeks. I'm going to re-acquaint with my best friend from High School (whom I haven't seen in over 3 years) and also with my favourite cousin. I'm considering of getting in touch with a couple other people whom I have grown estranged from for particular circumstances.

I been pondering lately I think why I feel so cynical of gay culture. Much of it has to do with norms of style and presentation. Whenever I enter in a gay bar, I often am quick to notice the differentiation between them and myself, because it's all very obvious. I'll be standing in a room of taller men of all ages with faked baked, chizzled muscles and tight Armani Exchange muscle shirts. Then there is me standing meekly in comparison to them. I clearly have no sightly muscles to flaunt, I prefer to wear cardigans, and my face is usually covered by rectangular glasses and flat ironed hair hanging over my eyes. I know I don't exactly emit the normative standards of gay sex appeal. The issue is not so much that I feel envious or inadequate compared to them, because I am not trying to be that. I have a preconceived notion based on my past gay lifestyle experiences that I will have nothing in common with them, and I am content with feeling settled with that outlook being that I know I will probably be right the majority of the time. I'm fine with dressing more maturely, even if it goes well beyond my years. I feel pity for the 40 something saps that sport A&F graphic tee's. Bleh. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be more toned, and I have thought about joining a small athletic facility for something to do in some downtime.

Oh, I let out my introverted craziness last week and it was fantastic. Last Thursday at Luna's 80's night was amazing. I arrived extra early and I danced by myself on the floor opposite of Colin and Stephanie. I wish I could make it a weekly ritual.

To briefly sum up my dancing style:

It seems like in order to have a stable, praise-worthy relationship, you have to be rather accomplished in order for that to happen. In many cases, relationships less than that are solely out of convenience.

Unfortunately for me, I know I have quite a long way to go before I will be accomplished to the adequate standards that I see befitting for myself.

My best friend told me recently that many of us often make the mistakes to look for fault in ourselves when we get rejected.

We do this when really the answer is in front of us as plain as day. The problem in fact lies within them, nonetheless, we still can feel vulnerable and convince ourselves otherwise.

I did that for 9 months whilst in Europe. I cannot fall victim to it again.

Tonight I went to the Royal Main Art Theatre and saw Towel Head with my co-worker, Colin. Tomorrow I am having breakfast with the friend I can laugh the most around, Rob.
Tomorrow night I am dressing and dancing to the 80's with my best friend and company.

Things, I hope, will be fine.

The Missing Piece.

I am in near completion to becoming a big O. I have undergone some highly traumatic, inconceivable experiences that have left both emotional scars and physical ones.I am skeptical of most peoples intentions on initial impressions. Is that imprudent of me? I wouldn't think so considering my history. I am not weak though. I have travelled and worked in Europe alone and by my own means. I am intellectually inclined, and I am an independent thinker. I can be abstract with my disposition, but my intentions are as pure as the day comes. I am worthy of everything that life has to offer me.




(I knew all this already, just a mere reminder)

Did I actually write about a weekend???

This weekend was absolutely drab weather wise, but it was enlightening in respects to some reserved prejudices I upheld steadily for some time.

I forgotten how touchingly aesthetic it feels to be with another person in a intimate, unreserved context. It's been so long since I allowed myself to willingly enter in and experience that implicitly, but I met someone not long ago that gave me an incentive to do so. I think what I missed most with dating is having a inside, private moment with someone, a moment that is disinterested from the notion of an uninterrupted world outside two people. Of course, such moments can't and won't last forever, and with that considered, I feel that is what distinctively conceives the bliss of what's there, then, and now. What seems appropriate is to savour it while it's there.

"I am going to kiss someone and not allow timidness nor an analysis interfere with it."

I have to start undertaking as well as financially investing in some choices relatively soon. Residentially, transportation-wise, and education. I have to conquer them all, but constructively do so by putting them in a sequential order of importance based upon a logistic and rational intuition. FASFA is essential; I need to know how much money I can borrow from the government next Spring.

On the softer side of things, Fall is bleakly appearing (by means of a stormy introduction), so Halloween is approaching! I am ready to take on the appearance of an awkwardly possessed Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters) as well as a psychotic Nurse Joker (The Dark Knight). Both are pretty unique and sensibly cost efficient to do. I am also looking forward to more satirical jabs at the Republicans as this election season unfolds more elaborately and competitively. Last night Tina Fey brilliantly spoofed Sarah Palin on SNL, and I can't wait for more.




So things feel progressive and not overly neurotic for a change. It's nice.

Today someone made an interesting comment today after reading my blog; that with respect to my choice phrasing of words,

"I would make a fine political speech writer."

Scary thought! I don't think I have it within me to be that freely bias/critical though. :p

Clearly, I am analytical.

It's been habitual for at least the last 5 years. In respect to my blog, I like to purge myself in making representational examinations of myself, the points I make are at times explicit and clear, or just overly neurotic driven by precariousness. Regardless of what sources motivate a blog it will almost never be concise in articulation.
I could write about my daily affairs in a dramatic Dear Diary tone.

Dear Diary, work today was drab.

Dear Diary, I am never drinking again, and this is why...

This is the demeanour by which I wrote in my LiveJournal for years - but then I steadily grew up, as well as away from that technique. Though for once, I think I will incorporate a story of interest so I can not seem so ambiguous with the origin of where my perspective is deriving from.

I work with a fellow named Colin that analyses just as much as I do. The current deliberation between us is of a fellow that works a street away from me that came into my work and seemingly flirted with me last weekend. Now very little has happened since then, but with all the analysing we have done over subtle, meaningless antics, it made it seem like a lot more has ensued. On Monday, on my day off, I went into his workplace with a book and an apple, and the person of interest served me a soy latte. I, however, was too timid to instigate a casual conversation in the same forward manner he did. I quietly sat with my book, looked up occasionally to make a couple of improvisational comments to him if was nearby. There is a certain amount of time that passes until one feels more like a lurker rather than a customer, so I decided it was in my best interest to leave out of risking embarrassment. I didn't get very far before I convinced myself to go ahead and take the initiative to see if he would like to hang out later if wasn't busy. He said he would love to, but he had plans later and said he would get back to me Wednesday. I smiled and sort of walked away in a shy stupor. Today he walked in again to say he still is really busy. I just acknowledged it casually, and told him to drop by whenever. In hindsight, it would of been wise to have gave him my phone number, but until I actually engage with someone freely I feel this overwhelming amount of pressure in a moment. I can not seem to be able to behave naturally and candidly; I'll trip, I'll gaze at the floor for a moment when I talk - all sorts of asinine conduct has the chance to take place. Normally, I wouldn't make the effort to be this onward, but as my previous blog discussed, I am trying to veer away from my typical trends of "dating". I admit, it has its spontaneous additives, but still, nothing detracts away from my innate clumsiness. I get misrepresented fairly easily as a result. I'm progressing though, I suppose I can just think of this as practise.

On a unrelated note -
I bought a new book tonight - The Blank Slate by Steven Pinker. It was recommended by my favourite evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins. I read the preface at Goldfish Tea tonight and was pleased so far.Lately, I am becoming more engrossed in scientific books that argue that our biology plays an influence in the concept of human nature and modern life through genetic factors as well as environmental. I personally find it fascinating to sort this out. The refusal to acknowledge human nature is like the Evangelicals ignorance to evolution, but worse: it perverts our sciences and education, our public discourse, and the everyday lives we lead. It's well known that a single contradiction can corrupt a set of facts and then allow a string of fables to propagate through it. For that reason, I more than ever find it crucial to understand the factual and tangible world we live in. Some, including my own family, have argued that I may be too literal or unimaginative. I humbly dispute that; I just like to understand why I am so short in height by nature in the same understanding to why I am suspicious by nature. I know I can't reach these kinds of answers in a bible or in a daily horoscope. Accepting a conclusion just because it is convenient or readily available is just weak and dastardly.

Anyways, I know I am not mundane, and I am not always complex. My friends can speak for how animated I can get. :)


Dear Diary, I want to dance.

I thought I was in love twice.

For the first time in months since I have moved back from Europe, I have been feeling as if my life is starting to regain direction and become sensible again. I do not have all the necessities I wish I had right now, but I'm enroute to getting them through steps. I now understand that I have to allow gradual progressions into my life if I am ever going to feel in control and at ease. Erstwhile, this was never an easy thing for me to comprehend. For years I tried to dictate a control over the direction in which my life was going to go, and whom I thought was going to stay in it. Consequently, I underwent some rude awakenings and I fell to some harsh disappointments. I now understand the reasoning for that was an ignorance on my part in allowing life to happen in a unadulterated fashion.

As of lately, I have been trying vehemently to understand relationships and distinguish them from the flawed interpretations I had of them before. I went for a long time believing I would be more settled if I knew the qualifications of what would make a befitting life partner, and when I actually dated someone I would strongly analyse if I knew they were going to be someone I could see myself with in a long term committed sense. I suppose many people do that, but I wouldn't even enter in a dating situation if I wasn't sure that they met the criteria I was looking for. Now, not so much. I am still very selective with the people I find attractive; style and personality attributes are essential in formulating an initial attraction. There must be something instantaneous from the get go. I have made mistakes in the past when meeting new people and mistaking platonic friendships in a contrived dating concept.

Now dating for me has taken on a whole new clarity. I don't want a life partner, but rather progressive interactions with someone I find cute and stimulating. Right now there is only one concentrated pursuit I will have in my life and that will be furthering my education and career goals. I surely don't want to be intrusive on someone else's priorities, just as I don't wish them to be in respect to mine. I am quite comfortable with spending time independently (I had no option to when living abroad). With all things considered though, I am a living being and it's within my natural genetic disposition to desire companionship and affection. I contemplate what it would be like to just kiss someone without having to worry about what is all at stake with doing it. It would be gratifying to find a medium between professionalism and inclination.

Sensitivities will always be apparent in such matters and I believe the line gets blurred when the heaviness of feelings becomes precedent over ones priorities. It seems imparitive to always be aware of that so one can avoid such an entanglement. However, if the feelings are genuine and worthy enough then maybe there can be room for concession, but the passing of time is only what can validate legitimate feelings from convenient ones.

Tonight I was waiting for Stephanie to go on her lunch break at B&N so she could give me a discount on a Richard Dawkins book I wanted to purchase because I can be frugal at times.

An Elderly woman sat next to me as I was flipping through one of his books. I didn't glance at her, but I saw her walker out of the corner of my eye and she made an effort in propping the cushions to Barnes & Noble armchairs rather blatantly. After flipping through her magazine long enough she made an effort to talk to me and inquired about what I was reading. I was in the middle of flipping through excerpts of The God Delusion. I timidly turned the book over for I was embarrassed, for I was just outed as an atheist. I naturally felt the need the explain myself as if was a young teenager that was caught with a pornographic video. I sort of stammered weakly for a few seconds. I was waiting for this elderly woman to make a religious based criticism about my book - but she didn't. Before the possibility of undergoing a lengthy sermon of a critique (that the elderly are often prone in prattling on about), I took the initiative to explain to her that I was an atheist that views the world scientifically, logically, and through evidence based reason. Furthermore, I paraphrased to her it wasn't only religion I saw a fallacy in, but I also didn't believe in supernatural belief systems or any of the numerous divisions of pseudo-sciences. She seemed interested and she followed with a series of questions about my upbringing, and she then responded in return with hers. There was one point in our conversation when she asked me if I believed in resurrection, and I politely told her I didn't. She then reminisced a story of her son that had just passed away a couple years ago. She showed me pictures of him that she pulled from her purse. Her late son's daughter became pregnant on the anniversary of her fathers death, unfortunately it resulted in a miscarriage. She became pregnant again, and gave birth on a the same number day of her fathers death, but on a completely different month. Nonetheless, she still felt that this was the works of something of a higher understanding. She asked me my perspective on that and I was hesitant on how to respond. I didn't want to desecrate or impugn this woman's emotions, or do a insensitive disservice to her late son in any way with being honest in saying that her perceptions are indeed nothing more than a wishful aberration at works.. I told her that it is human nature for (most) people find ways to attain closure by looking for signs of supernatural symbolism in a loved ones death, and that it helps people through times of bereavement. To my surprise, she didn't dispute my answer. Stephanie was then waiting by now, so I informed her I had to leave and then introduced myself formally to her before I left. Her name was Mary. I told her it was a pleasure meeting her. It felt nice for the first time to be able to construe my views rationally to a stranger without having them dismissed as contemptible and immoral...Perhaps this was because this particular woman allegedly had a background in the arts (she is a standing poet and a former opera singer). Suffice it to say, I know I shouldn't ever presume to find such tolerant standards from people in the future, but this is one congenial encounter I do want to remember for what it was worth.