How To Say Goodbye.

Today was my friend Gregory Johnston's funeral. I really didn't know what to expect it to be like. it very surreal and unreal, if that makes sense. I arrived by myself this rainy morning. I was kind of walking around timidly, looking at pictures of a young Gregory Johnston. A hand caught my shoulder from behind, and I turned around and it was Mike Lupo, whom I have known since I was 17 (my first gay friend). It made me very happy inside to see him. Mike had been there for me before in rough patches, so it was very nice indeed to be able to get and give emotional support on such a dreadful occasion.

I spent much of the time during the service staring at the floor pensively while holding Mike's hand. I looked around a couple times, and people were sobbing, and showing such displays of emotion within them. I didn't know why I was reacting the same way at the time. When the service ended, I passed by and took one last look at Greg. He had a gray sweater on, which seemed fitting for him. He looked at peace. We continued to the cemetary, where a few words were said, and that was it. It was done. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a bastard or disrespectful, but it just seemed rushed. I suppose maybe I am not used to the fundamental objective of what a funeral accomplishes, but the beggining of the service it was reminded that this was supposed to be a celebration of Gregory's life. There was alot of joined prayers and hymns but only one or two personal stories of rememberence. I missed the luncheon afterwards because I had preaaranged plans to meet my dad for lunch today, but maybe those kinds of things were shared their amongst friends, and family. I may of just missed it...

As I indicated, I didn't know at the time why I wasn't in fact grieving in the same manners as everyone else was. It was not that I didn't feel any less grief. I am used t
o dealing with any upsetting experiences quietly and privately. As I said, when all the services ended today, I wasn't just up and ready to go on and start a new task that day. Like I had already moved on. It made me naucious to think thats how it was supposed to be. This evening I did something I thought would help me grieve. It may sound silly and odd to some. Greg was a huge fan of pizza, as most know. I decided to order pizza tonight and spend the evening on my laptop. Propped on the keyboard against the screen is a in loving memory, rememberance card given today at the service.

The card looks and reads exactly as followed...

In Loving Memory of

Gregory James Johnston

February 19, 1984 - May 22, 2007

Do not think of me and weap.

I am free. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints of snow.

I am the sunlight on your window pane.

I am the gentle spring rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in soaring flight.

I am the twinkle in the stars at night.

I'll be the music that fills your ears.

I'll send you laughter to dry your tears.

Oh no, no, do not cry for me.

I am happy. I feel no pain. I am Free.

I am filled with such saddness, but it brings comfort in my heart to sit here and eat and look at that card with some soft Muse songs (whom we were both fond of musically) playing in the background and seeing that beaming smile of his, it is as if he is looking right back at me. I know that he is in a loving place now. As I am crying as I write this, I know I am getting these feelings out that I couldn't get released at the service today.I miss him and I loved him very much.